OVERVIEW

There are certain behavior patterns characterizing an obsessive boy/girl friend that should alert one to avert tragedy.

BACKGROUND

• 30% of women murdered are killed by boyfriends or husbands.
• 20% of female murder victims are between the ages of 15-24.

Stacey McLaughlin, a 17 year-old senior in a small suburban town near Chicago had plans to be a nurse and work in a home for the elderly. But her 20 year-old boyfriend, a gas station attendant, realized that he would not see her as often. Two weeks before her high school graduation he took her for a ride in his car and strangled her to death.

The boyfriend of 20 year-old New Englander Elizabeth Davenport was a 23 year-old college student from a wealthy family. Elizabeth began to lose interest in him, and decided that they should see other people. He still called her but her parents fielded the calls. He began to tell them he was going to kill himself if he could not see her. She decided to go fishing with him. She died the same day of multiple stab wounds.

DATA

This type of person believes that life must suit him on his terms. He is the hub of the wheel: everyone else is a spoke. His philosophy is "I think, therefore it must be." As early as preschool, a boy with such violent tendencies shows patterns of doing what is forbidden, and bullying and manipulating others, beginning with his parents. As he ages, he becomes unmanageable, or he masks his anger by being excessively polite. In adolescence, he may be the neighborhood bully, a poor student, one who cannot absorb disappointment and experiences temporary depression. Experts agree that an obsessive boyfriend has little self-esteem and a borderline personality that falls between neurosis and psychosis. He typically lacks identity and has difficulty knowing the boundaries of his own ego. He wants to merge with the other person. He views his girlfriend as an extension of himself—a symbol. A relationship with an obsessive boyfriend usually begins on a heady romantic note with high emotional intensity. He is "Prince Charming." He is too loving. The girl is flattered—which blinds her from his dark side. When the first hint of jealousy emerges in the relationship, it is followed by the first shove. The girl feels as though she deserves the slap because she provoked him; his possessiveness and abuse are just proof of his love.

SIGNS OF DANGER

• He is overly possessive, extremely jealous, and calls to check on her several times a day.
• He seems to lack his own interests and goals and is overly dependent on the relationship.
• He decides what they will do, and he discourages her outside interests, including her friends, hobbies, and other activities.
• His violence increases with the use of drugs and alcohol.

IMPLICATIONS

• While this discussion focuses on violent males, these characteristics may be seen in women, too. While reports of female violence are less common, incidences do occur and should be taken seriously. Male victims, like female victims, need much counseling and support.
• There is something to be said for balance in our relationships, lifestyle, and personalities.
• People need to be aware of the tendencies and reactions of the obsessive/compulsive personality. One also needs to be able to determine if the obsession/compulsion within a person is compounded with a violent nature. Such a combination indicates immediate potential for danger.
• When working with young people, encourage more group dating and group activities. This helps a person determine their identity among many instead of placing all the responsibility on one person in one relationship. Very often when this is done, the one with the obsessive personality has the hidden agenda.
• Self-esteem and self-worth (or the lack of either) always seem to be the root of adolescent emotional problems. It is essential that youth workers be aware of the messages given to and sent by teens, to guard against misinterpretations that lead others to think less of themselves.
• If you see a violent dating relationship developing, prepare to take dramatic steps to protect both parties involved. Their emotional instability leads them to make poor and often life threatening decisions.

Anne Montague cCYS