Suggestions for talking to young people who tease or have been teased.

OVERVIEW

The article lists suggestions from a recently published book, Easing the Teasing, by Judy S. Freedman. Consider the following hypothetical situations:

BEING TEASED

THE SCENE

Joey, 9, is just moving the food around his plate. When asked why he isn’t eating, he sobs, "Some kids at school say I’m a dork."

THE SUGGESTIONS

• "Help me understand what happened. Can you tell me about it?" The idea is to listen before offering advice.
• "That must feel terrible." This nonjudgmentally acknowledges the child’s feelings and encourages the child to feel comfortable about discussing difficult or embarrassing issues.
• "I was teased a few times when I was your age." This statement will help the child feel like you can understand what they are feeling. It also helps them feel not-so-alone.
• "Let’s figure out how we should handle this." Be careful not to begin solving the problem until the child realizes that you fully understand the situation. Also be sure to have the child help come up with suggestions. Having children help with solving the problem builds their confidence and develops important brainstorming and relational skills.
• "You may not believe this, but a lot of people who tease are actually unhappy people." This helps the child learn that the teasers are the ones with the problems, and are not as powerful as the teased child initially believes.
• "Do you want me to do anything about this?" While a child may decline adult involvement, it should be offered.

TEASING OTHERS

THE SCENE

Jennifer, 10, on her way home from school says, "There is a boy at school who no one likes. We have fun teasing him. He is such a dork."

THE SUGGESTIONS

• "Tell me a little more about it." Even when the child has done something wrong offer him or her a chance to explain. This will lower one’s defensiveness, and will allow him or her to be more open to listening to you.
• "I wonder how he feels when kids tease him." This encourages the child to think about and empathize with the victim.
• "Remember when Jeff teased you? How did you feel?" Reminding the child of a similar situation helps them develop empathy for the victim.
• "Teasing others helps people feel powerful for a few minutes." This general, indirect statement may help the child react without feeling singled out or blamed.

ADDITIONAL TIPS

There are other things that adults can do to address teasing. First of all, think about how you interact with kids. What types of teasing do you do? Anything hurtful? Kids model behavior that they see in adults. Discourage children from playing games that involve derogatory or offensive name-calling. Finally, if a child is continually teased or teasing, he or she may need professional help. Consider talking to a school counselor or youth worker or youth pastor.

These suggestions are listed in Lankard, C. (2001, March 26). Sensitivity a remedy to kidding. The Daily Oklahoman, pp. 1B & 3B.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

IMPLICATIONS

• Do you work with kids who are bullied? How do they respond to being taunted?
• Do you work with young people who bully others? How do others respond to their taunting?
• How might these suggestions be effective with the young people you work with?
• Which of these suggestions is most helpful? Are the suggestions realistic?
• If you have worked with one who bullies or who has been bullied, have any of these suggestions worked?
• How would you change your response to either situation?
• How can you help parents?

1. Bullying is prevalent. Help young peopl distinguish the difference between harmless joking and hurtful teasing.
2. Being bullied can be very damaging to any young person’s self-worth and self-perception. It may also affect others’ perception of a young person.
3. Bullying is a dangerous activity. Those who bully need to understand how damaging their words are. Teasers need to understand why they tease and determine better ways to fill the need for power.
4. Those who are regularly bullied need to consider certain behaviors that may attract harsh comments. Typically, it is not the bullied person’s fault for being taunted, but there may be behaviors that tempt the teasing.