Baptiste, D.A. (1987). Psychotherapy with gay/lesbian couples and their children in stepfamilies: A challenge for marriage and family therapists. Journal of Homosexuality, 14(1-2), 223-238.

OVERVIEW

"Tammy had gradually withdrawn from all verbal interaction with peers and teachers at school and had now ceased talking to anyone at school." Tammy (age 9) and her sister lived with their mother, Kaye, and her partner, Barb—a lesbian stepfamily. Barb was originally introduced to the girls as a roommate. Later, when Barb and Kay revealed their true relationship, Tammy and her sister were cautioned not to tell anyone because they would not understand. Barb and Kaye felt that both girls reacted positively and showed no distress when they were told. Once Tammy’s therapist told her that she knew that her mother was gay, Tammy shared that she was afraid to talk at school for fear that the truth about her mother would "slip out."

American society generally looks down on homosexuality and homosexual parents. Yet more and more, individuals who have been heterosexually married for several years are leaving those relationships to assert a gay or lesbian identity. Also on the rise is the number of non-married gay parents who are retaining custody of their children from past relationships and are establishing new family groupings including their children and a same-sex partner. These families not only experience the problems faced by most heterosexual stepfamilies, but also meet burdens unknown to heterosexual stepfamilies.

Some of the factors that contribute to the problems of gay stepfamilies include:

• Gay individuals comprise a stigmatized group whose lifestyles and relationships are disapproved by a majority of the population.
• Gay parenthood is thought to be "unhealthy," based on at least four fears:
  • The child may be molested.
  • The child is more likely to become a gay adult.
  • The child will be harmed by the stigma.
  • The child will be infected with the AIDS virus.
• Because of the social stigma and fears of discovery, and thus the need for secrecy, the usual family problems are compounded, especially for children.

There are unique difficulties for children who grow up in a family that is looked down upon by society, and who are labeled as "undesirable by association." It is not unusual for children living in gay stepfamilies to express feelings of isolation from peers and their community. Such isolation can magnify the ordinary adolescent fears of being rejected for being different.

Furthermore, in the home, there tends to be less sense of shared consciousness between children, biological parent and stepparent. This can leave the child without a safe "refuge" to which they can turn when dealing with the pressures they experience in growing up.

When these children sense a need of secrecy, many are reluctant to bring friends into their home, lest the truth of their parents be revealed. This is especially true of adolescents and their dates. Similar anxieties can be experienced on visits to the homes of other friends because "there is always the possibility of being asked prying questions about one’s family." These problems, especially compounded upon the usual difficulties experienced during adolescence, "can at times cause confusion, depression, and even open rebellion" when they are not able to cope with the burden of secrecy.

A therapist or counselor who treats gay stepfamilies faces some unique complexities. One needs to reassess his or her paradigm of the family, because the people involved in this relationship desire to be perceived as a family unit. Many problems will, in truth, be family problems and not problems derived from the homosexual relationship. "If the therapist lacks understanding of his or her level of comfort and acceptance of gay men and women, their lifestyles, and their right to be parents, the therapist’s discomfort and perhaps nonacceptance of the family will be sensed, whether or not this is openly conveyed. It will be important then for the therapist or counselor to directly acknowledge these feelings and deal with them," or help the family find a less homophobic therapist or counselor.

Further problems can arise when one presupposes that children in gay stepfamilies are participating in that family experience against their will. This can cause a therapist to quickly align with the children and against the parents. He or she may tend to uncritically accept a child’s negative behavior as stemming from interpersonal conflicts peculiar to living in a gay stepfamily. One must remember that many of the child’s behaviors are common to all children at a particular stage of development. In fact, if the child is an adolescent, he or she may manipulate their identity confusion as anger toward the parent and stepparent.

In summary, gay stepfamilies expect to experience some unique family difficulties, as well as the common problems faced by most families. Effective counseling of gay stepfamilies requires that counselors be sensitive to the burdens of gay relationships in the stepfamily setting; be equally sensitive to their own personal attitudes, feelings, and beliefs; and be aware of how these can negatively affect the counseling relationship and its outcomes.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. What real interaction have you had with people who are homosexual, other than through television and movies? Do you trust TV and movies to provide you with a fair and complete representation of a gay or lesbian person?
2. Is your concept of "family" broad enough to include a gathering of two homosexual parents and their children? What about only two homosexuals living together?
3. How would you rate your level of comfort and acceptance of gay people and their lifestyles? [l (very high) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (very low)]
4. How can you see this helping or harming your availability to a hurting teenager who has a homosexual parent?

IMPLICATIONS

1. Children in a homosexual stepfamily can be ripped apart by a tragic dilemma. The family tries to show them that the family itself is good and should be considered as such. Outside the family, however, society and peers show the children that their family is bad, and they are punished for being a member of it.
2. None of our society’s teaching institutions has established a helpful response to homosexuals and their lifestyles.
3. Communities must provide people to reach out and befriend these children. This must be done in an atmosphere of love and acceptance of the children and all their family members.
4. The youth leader, as a role model, must understand one’s own feelings and then be caring and accepting of the youth involved. The youth need a place to go, a person in which to confide, and unconditional acceptance for both themselves and their family.

Anne Montague cCYS