Sheff, N. (1999, February 15). My long-distance life. Newsweek, p. 16.

OVERVIEW

At the age of 16, Nick Sheff has been published by Newsweek. His article is about the effects of divorce on kids—more particularly the negative aspects of joint-custody between divorced parents who decide to move far away.

From as early as he can remember, Nick’s parents argued. When he was 4, they divorced, and his mother moved from Berkeley, California to Los Angeles, 500 miles away. Soon she had a new husband and his father, a new girlfriend.

A therapist worked with the young boy, who set up a doll house with the father sleeping at one end of the house, and the mother in the other. The little boy didn’t know where to place his room or where to sleep. Still he accepted the reality of the divorce:

Though I was very young, I accepted my parents’ separation and divorce and somehow knew it wasn’t my fault. Yet I was intensely afraid.

Nick wanted to know here he would live, and he feared was flying from one home to another. The therapist had decided that it would be best for Nick to stay in Berkeley with his father during the school year and fly to see his mother summers. At first a parent would accompany him on the flight, but by the time he was 6, they decided he could make it on his own. He remembers some terrible turbulence during which luggage compartments opened up and a man threw up, a woman tried to convert him, and a fight between a passenger and an attendant delayed the flight for two hours until the police arrived.

Mostly he remembers the end of his sixth grade year as all his friends were making plans to go to the beach together—"all my friends, but not me. I couldn’t join them because I had to fly to L.A. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see my mom and stepdad. I just didn’t want to leave my friends."

"What’s the toll of this arrangement?" Nick asks.

I’m always missing someone. When I’m in northern California, I miss my mom and stepdad. But when I’m in L.A., I miss hanging out with my friends, my other set of parents and little brother and sister. After all those back-and-forth flights, I’ve learned not to get too emotionally attached. I have to protect myself.

Some of Nick’s friends don’t have this problem; their natural families are together. Other biological parents of other friends live close together. But one friend’s dad moved to New Hampshire and another’s dad lives in Alaska. These kids have discussed the matter and agreed it’s not fair to them. Here’s what Nick has concluded about marriage and divorce today.

No child should be subjected to the hardship of long-distance joint custody. To prevent it maybe there should be an addition to the marriage vows:...If you ever have children and wind up divorced, do you promise to stay within the same geographical area as your kids?...or maybe it should be a law...Or how about some common sense? If you move away from your children, you have to do the traveling to see them.

Before I have children of my own, I’ll use my experiences to help make good decisions about whom I choose to marry. However, if I do get a divorce, I will put my children’s needs first. I will stay near them no matter what happens.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

IMPLICATIONS

• Do you agree with Nick? Does this teenager show more sense than many adults...even judges and therapists these days? What disagreements or further opinions do you have?
• What is (are) your experience(s) with divorce?
• Is divorce a reality that cannot be eliminated? Is society partly responsible for divorce, and can divorce rates be decreased? Why and/or how?
• How would you counsel a family which is going through a divorce?
• How would/do you relate to children and teenagers of divorce? What extra support do they need?

1. Many societies have very high divorce rates, and there is still too little discussion of the problem and response to the needs of children and teenagers.
2. Studies continue to show that children suffer negatively from the divorce of their parents right into adulthood.
3. Studies and experience also show that when divorced parents make the needs of their children a high priority, negative effects are ameliorated.