Hersch, P. (1991, July). How to raise a teenager who trusts you. McCall’s, p. 34.

OVERVIEW

Consider the sentiments of a 1990s mother of "two garden variety, tear-your-hair-out, set-your-teeth-on-edge, sometimes-you-love-them-sometimes-you hate-them, how-many-years-until-it’s-over, I-can’t-stand-the-thought-of-them-leaving adolescents":

I like to think of myself as an organized, democratic, problem-solving, make-it-work kind of parent. My generation, raised on the rules of Dr. Spock, was eager to provide a stimulating, interactive life for our children. We took them to restaurants and on trips to exotic places where our parents would not have dreamed of taking us. We pioneered the Gerry carrier, preschool, day care. We were going to be the modern, enlightened generation, with all the answers about parenting. How surprising, then, to find ourselves entangled in the age-old struggle between adolescents and parents. ‘Can I trust you?’ we ask our teenagers? ‘Can I trust you?’ they silently reply.

U.S. Secretary of Health, Louis Sullivan, observes that 1990s parents spend 40% less time with their children than parents of 1965. Experts note that parents in past generations, contrasted with parents today, were

• In their prime of life (today’s parents of teens may be noticeably older).
• More comfortable with their own identities. (Today, parents’ "search for identity may converge with their children’s.")
• More financially secure.
• In more stable family situations (80% of today’s married folks have separated at least once temporarily, and a majority of 1990s kids are growing up with single, divorced, troubled, or remarried parents).
• Living in a society (with media) which was simpler, more supportive, and less conflicted.

Psychiatrist Glen Elliott, who is coeditor of Carnegie Corporation’s new adolescent study, At The Threshold, summarizes:

The typical parent of an adolescent may be in a much less ideal position, is more likely to be in a confused and possibly unhappy marital relationship (if in one at all), more likely to be in a confused and difficult employment situation, and so on. Parents themselves are in much less positive and affirming situations.

On the other hand, Mark Wade, medical director of Brooklyn, New York’s Cumberland Neighborhood Family Care Center, provides another view on the adolescent dilemma:

This is the most dramatic physical and psychological period of development, second only to the first year of life. It is also the time when children need the greatest interaction with an identified role model or loving adult.

Elena Nightingale, M.D., coauthor of Adolescent Rolelessness In Modern Society, notes:

Segregation by age has increased with each decade. Rather than being included as necessary members of the family, kids are allowed to do their own thing, which separates the generations even more.

C. Gibson Dunn, medical director of Springwood Psychiatric Institute, echoes the regret of David Elkind, who warns of disconnected or "patchwork selves" in children and youth who are hurried to grow up without protected time and space with supportive adults. Dunn regrets that:

There is an erosion of some kind of protection that adolescents used to have. They are exposed to a higher level of uncertainty, to the anxiety of not knowing what choice to make or having too many choices. They have lost the extended family to turn to when things aren’t going well.

Mark Wade sees unattended kids picking up identities and roles that may not be in their own best interest—and to their parents’ regret:

The changing family structure puts teenagers at risk because they don’t have the adequate instruction on what is normal and what’s not. They end up following someone else’s pattern of adult development, which may be one their parents wouldn’t approve of.

Having reviewed pressures on adolescents and parents these days, Glen Elliott concludes with a plea for balance and renewed concern:

The most successful families seem to be those in which kids are allowed to have more independence but are still encouraged to retain their connections. The relationship is allowed to change because it has to, but it is still maintained in a strong fashion that permits the child to draw on the adult’s experience.

Author Patricia Hersch sees a major obstacle to consistent parenting:

One of the hardest parts of being a parent of adolescents today is that there is no universally accepted parenting code or set of values. All parents want is to protect their kids, but while some will strictly forbid the use of alcohol to a 16-year-old who is off to a party, others will choose to discuss designated drivers. Even relatively permissive parents have limits. I found mine when Michael, then 16, called me from a date’s house to say he was going to spend the night and that her parents said it was fine. (I said it wasn’t fine with me and insisted that he come home.)

Maryland clinical social worker, Nancy Wilson, describes the sense of social pressure and guilt that works on many permissive parents:

In most families I see with disturbed adolescents, the families are out of whack and the kids have too much power. Parents are placating them because they’re worried about how to keep them happy in a family with two parents working and not at home a lot of the time.

As true as this may be, many parents are not just trying to "keep them happy" but are also struggling under incredible pressures to do the right thing. Parents who have done well in parenting, and are rewarded with one or two teenagers who are doing fine, may find one determined to rebel at whatever, whenever, and in whatever possible way.

Rules and limits are signs of parental love and care. They are not immediately appreciated as such by most teenagers. "Teenagers need to know what the rules and boundaries are so they can go outside them a little," comments John Meeks, medical director of the Psychiatric Institute of Montgomery County, Maryland and author of The Fragile Alliance.

All teenagers have a developmental need to test limits and push beyond the proscribed rules. A 14-17 year old "rebel" can drive any parent to desperation. General principles exist to guide normal rebellion in our teenage children. Dealing with troubled teenagers who demand special means is not discussed in this article.

In this article, Hersch draws on a three-year longitudinal study of Stella Chess, Alexander Thomas, and Herbert Birch. They find that babies are born with one of three basic behavioral styles:

• Easy.
• Difficult.
• Timid and slow-to-warm-up.

Discussing a child who has begun flunking several classes or a passive adolescent who spends most of his time reading or listening to music in his room, the author offers the following suggestions:

• Establish a new relationship with the child or teenager.
• Discover their style and emerging personhood.
• Discover a learning approach that fits this new person.
• Relate within the interests of this individual.
• Let them lead the way.

Hersch adds, "It is never too late to initiate new ways of spending time with teens. But you can’t schedule at your convenience; you have to show respect for your child’s interests and schedule by working together...Get to know your adolescent on his own terms. We let our sons choose family activities."

• Have fun together—in different ways and situations.
• Share who you are—family stories—and your relationships.

Hersch continues, "Let your adolescents see your relationships in action. They can’t learn to create loving connections unless they have models from which to draw."

• Let go.

In summary, Hersch concludes, "An odd thing seems to happen to mothers (and fathers) of adolescents. We realize that during our energetic, often chaotic lives, time has passed, and these very same adolescents who are driving us crazy will soon be gone. We made mistakes, we have regrets, but most of us have meant well and have been doing the best we can."

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How do you relate to this article? What specific examples can you give of the family tensions being felt by parents and teenagers these days?
2. With what in this article do you notably agree or disagree? What questions or issues does it raise for you?
3. This article is written from the perspective of a mother for women with teenage sons and daughters. How different is the situation of mothers and fathers as they try to be adequate parents these days? How do they often fail to cooperate and how might they be more supportive to one another?
4. Do you find yourself appreciating the situation of parents and teens generally—and especially the unique situation of a particular teenager or parent more clearly as a result of this article?
5. What was the most helpful insight or suggestion for you in your reading of the above?
6. What do you see working for families today? What ideas would you like to suggest to foster more trusting relationships and better communication between parents or teenagers?

IMPLICATIONS

1. This article can be used to discuss parenting in various kinds of group or workshop interested in parenting.
2. The purpose of this article is to review the dilemmas of modern parents and adolescents. Only as we review the changing realities for those on both sides of the tension can we develop new strategies and reaffirm important values and principles.
3. Respect for one’s selfhood and current developmental tasks and trust in a mutual commitment to growth toward healthy man- and womanhood and relationships are the two crucial goals of all relationships—including the family of teenagers.
4. Relationships, especially family relationships in these difficult times, do not happen without hard work and intentional time. Each family member, especially adults, must take the time to review his or her own personal and familial situations. Books and articles can provide helpful assessment tools and helpful suggestions.
5. When these suggestions and friendly advice do not succeed, family counseling, with whomever is willing, is in order. If mother begins such counseling, sometimes dad, and then even the kids, may be coaxed to join and participate.

Dean Borgman cCYS