McMahon, K. (1987, February 11). Helping kids learn responsibility takes a special kind of effort. North Shore Weekly.

OVERVIEW

According to the article, "Helping your child learn responsibility is far from easy. The key is looking for (and acknowledging!) little hints of progress" like hanging a coat, making a bed, or picking up a room. "Eventually, as your child grows, you hope she’ll learn to approach homework and other responsibilities with care and pride."

The author, a child and family therapist on Boston’s North Shore and a mother of three, states that every family must address the problem of getting kids off the phone or away from the TV in order to perform necessary chores. She acknowledges that, in the beginning, it may be easier to do it yourself. Still, the following suggestions can help children "approach homework and other (home) responsibilities with care and pride":

• "Try presenting chores to kids as things needing to be done for the family as a whole. This helps defuse the potential struggle of wills." The son or daughter then views the chores as an ‘everybody-wins’ situation rather than as the parent winning (the job gets done) and the child losing (having to give in and do it). If a family can see what needs to be done together, "some of the hassle may decrease."
• Know that the "kids’ contribution to the family’s work helps to build their confidence and self-esteem...Regardless of how much they complain, believe it or not, most kids feel pride in being included in the family’s work."
• Remember that in a two-parent family, "parents need to work together. This requires time and a good deal of energy, but it’s essential in helping kids learn responsibility." Single parents must rely more heavily on family meetings.
• "If your child opposes or resists doing tasks, look closely to determine what’s going on. Is there some change (or issue) in the child’s life that she is acting out by saying a vehement ‘NO!’ to any chore?...Hard as it is, try not to get overly critical. As with most misbehavior, it is more useful to identify the BEHAVIOR (i.e., not doing the chore or talking rudely) as unacceptable rather than (calling) the CHILD lazy or difficult."
• "Be matter-of-fact about the need for chores to be done...‘This has to be done now because there are some things that simply need to get done.’ If you present the information calmly and clearly, your child will eventually get the message."
• "Some families find charts useful...These can be helpful assisting the organization of the family and identifying who does what when. Watch out for becoming overly rigid with charts...They tend to work if the kids themselves are involved in making them."

Finally, the author reminds readers that, like so many things in life, "helping kids learn responsibility is a long-term process. Hang in there. Work on explaining what the expectations are for members of a family." And make family work fun. "Try anything that changes the chore from potential hassle to a special time together."

Dean Borgman cCYS