Pearson, C.L. (1986). Goodbye, I love you. New York City: Random House. (Newspaper review by Langcope, K. [1986, September 16]. The Boston Globe.)

OVERVIEW

In 1966 Gerald and Carol exchanged wedding vows "for all eternity." That language has special significance to Mormons—the two were strong in their Mormon faith.

Gerald told Carol that he had had relationships with men before they married. Both felt that Gerald’s resolve, his faith, and church support would conquer previous sexual preference.

Four wonderful children were born out of that marriage before Carol’s "world came crashing in." In 1974 she confronted Gerald about information given by a friend who realized he was continuing in gay company and practice. By this time Carol was a well-known speaker to Mormon groups who were intrigued with her feminist views.

I could tell no one (of the overwhelming pain, outrage and sense of betrayal). I had known all my life that somehow femaleness was second prize. But they promised me, PROMISED me that in this one thing I was safe. The man would want me; need me BECAUSE I was a woman. I had been cheated, I had been violated. It could not be true that EVERYWHERE I TURNED they would rather I be male—not God, and the Church and my husband, too.

Gerald’s agonized response to his wife’s confrontation: "This is not your fault. Maybe you think it is, but it has nothing to do with you. There is this thing in me, and it has never gone away and I know it never will. There is this thing in me that INSISTS that my strongest feelings be for a man. I tried to beat it to death, to strangle it, to smother it. And it has not yet died...Do you know what my greatest fear is? The greatest fear of my life? That I will lose you and lose the children, that finally we will not even be friends. That tortures me."

According to Masters & Johnson in 1979, ten to fifteen percent of the U.S. population is gay, and ten to fifteen percent of that population is, or has been, married. Seven million U.S. couples find themselves "frozen in the frame of marriage in which one partner is gay or bisexual." Francis Giambrone, therapist from Somerville, Massachusetts wrote his Master’s thesis on married homosexual and bisexual men, and he specializes in that area. "The main reason (they marry) is that they can’t cope with their homosexuality and society’s rejection of them. They can’t handle the implications of coming out..."

Carol Lynn continued her friendship with Gerald and allowed him to share in parenting. She studied homosexuality: "I read everything I could get my hands on. I knew so little to start..."

Then she watched him fall victim to AIDS. She found that previous marital relations had rendered her positive for the AIDS virus. In 1984, Gerald Pearson, 44, died of AIDS in the family home where his ex-wife Carol and his four children (9, 13, 14, and 16 years of age) lived.

The author remains totally committed to marriage as a "committed, monogamous relationship...I think what I wish to do is plead with these married men to realize that they can’t have it both ways. I understand their dilemma but, especially today with so many physical and emotional dangers, they are playing Russian roulette. They should make responsible decisions and protect their wives and unborn children. And women have to be assertive. So many are willing to put up with anything because of emotional investments."

Carol Lynn has written, Goodbye, I Love You, because there are those out there who struggle painfully in the same situation.

IMPLICATIONS

1. Society is divided as to whether homosexual practice is right or wrong. We should not be divided about the suffering of homosexual individuals who are trying to conform to society and religion with little apparent success.
2. There are many families with a homo- or bisexual parent (usually, but not always the father). And, like Carol Lynn, some of these families are also infected with AIDS. Society must feel and respond to the plight of these families.
3. The synagogue and church must be clear about religious teaching on this subject and show a compassionate model of response to those perplexed about a sexual preference that influences their total personal identities.

Dean Borgman cCYS