Kantrowitz, B. (1996, November 4). Gay families coming out. Newsweek, pp. 50-57.

OVERVIEW

Although the estimates vary, the number of children being raised by gay families is rising. Reports suggest that between 6 to 14 million children have at least one homosexual parent. For numerous reasons, more gay parents have become public with their lifestyle. More gay prospective parents (especially men) are exploring options with adoption agencies; sperm banks report a dramatically increased demand, reporting a " ‘gayby boom’ " launched by lesbians. The numbers and types of gay families are indeed growing.

Yet, "religious objections, genuine concern for the welfare of the children or bias against homosexuals" inhibit many Americans from accepting gay parents. According to a Newsweek study, nearly half of the study participants did not think that gays should be able to adopt, yet 57 percent of those polled believed that homosexuals "could be just as good at parenting as straight people." Most same-sex partners still cannot receive spousal health benefits, and the U.S. Congress passed a bill allowing states to prohibit gay marriages. Also, according to the gay-rights organization, Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, only 13 states allow single homosexuals to adopt. And those states that allow homosexual adoption usually list one individual as the "parent of record"; any partner is left in legal tangles. Although the law is still unsettled, courts have permitted adoptions by a second homosexual or heterosexual parent in a few of those states.

Gays hope that their public candor and honesty will facilitate greater tolerance among straight families. Homosexual parents who have a child find that the child helps to repair their parent’s own families, as many parents who earlier rejected their gay child often desire a relationship with their grandchildren.

Amidst the new trend of gay families, it is still difficult to foresee the results of such parenting. Most children in gay homes are not yet in school, so longitudinal effects are unknown. Preliminary research, such as the 1992 summary of studies compiled by University of Virginia psychologist Charlotte Patterson, indicates that "children are just as well adjusted…as the offspring of heterosexual parents." Early studies also suggest that children of gay families are no more inclined to homosexuality than are children in straight homes.

Like straight families, as gay families continue to proliferate, they will become more diverse and trickier to examine. There will be no stereotypical gay household. There are already numerous variations: stable partnerships desiring a child; lesbian companions birthing through artificial insemination (by friends or anonymous contributors); gay dads seeking adoption, hiring surrogates, or coparenting with lesbian comrades; and the "traditional" gay parents who started their families in heterosexual marriages.

Upon coming out, gay families often live in accepting communities within metropolitan areas so that their children can interact with all types of families. They typically join local support groups to "form a kind of extended family, a shelter against the often hostile outside world."

Contrasting the typical silence of even a decade ago, today, many gay parents opt to openly communicate their orientation when their child begins school. This approach may create uncomfortable situations: when enrolling her child for school, appearing to be a single parent, one lesbian mother was asked by a school official if the famliy was receiving welfare. When she explained her situation, the administrator was flustered. According to the mother, " ‘People don’t know how to react.’ " While every new encounter such as this may mimic the original the "coming out" experience, many parents feel that proactive responses about their sexual orientation helps their children to be more accepted in their community. To them, a secret life could lead to future, harsher rejection.

Although the 1990s are appearing to be more tolerant years to gays, there are many legal battles and innocent foibles. Amidst these challenges, gay parents are concerned about their children’s emotional development. Most homosexual parents "make a special effort to ensure that their kids learn to relate to adults of the opposite sex." The most convenient and appropriate choices are extended family members.

When is the best time for gay parents to tell their children about the homosexuality in the family? Experts suggest either in childhood or late adolescence. The article says that early adolescence is not optimal, as kids ages 11 to 15 "are particularly vulnerable because they are struggling with their own issues of sexual identity."

Gay parents maintain that it is the quality of their parenting, and not just their sexual lifestyle, that is most important to their children. They assert that the sexual preference of a mother or father does not inherently make one a good or bad parent.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How do you respond to the hypothesis that "the quality of their parenting" is what most matters to children of homosexual homes? Can homosexual parents be good parents? Does their sexuality affect their ability to parent?
2. Do you find that the children of same-sex parents are accepted by their peers? Is their situation an open or secret one? Are these children "well adjusted"? What challenges have arisen? What opportunities have emerged?
3. How does your experience as a youth worker support the claims in the article? What divergent views do your experiences suggest?
4. How do you feel about same-sex marriages as they relate to children? Does a legal gay marriage help a child? Does it confuse the child? Explain.
5. How do you respond to conflicting views on this issue? Are you a mediator, or do you choose to side with one perspective?
6. How do you respond to a young person who shares with you that he or she lives in a gay household? What is your responsibility to that child? To that family?

IMPLICATIONS

1. This is a serious, real issue commanding great study and thought.
2. It is very very early to tell how gay families affect children raised within them.
3. Churches need to face this trend and determine how to best care for gay families.
4. Youth workers must always keep the child’s best interest as the primary concern.

Kathryn Q. Powers cCYS