Divorce

 

Pollack, W. (1998). Divorce. (Chapter from Real boys: Rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood). New York, NY: Random House.

OVERVIEW

The chapter explores how divorce affects boys. According to Lawrence Beymer of Indiana State University, a study showed that parents of over 3,000 kids divorce or separate every day. Half of all Caucasian boys live in a single-parent home, as do three quarters of all African American boys.

Another study, in New Zealand, found that children of divorced families were more likely to become sexually active earlier, more likely to use drugs, and twice as likely to drop out of school.

According to the author, several symptoms haunt the boys of divorced parents:

Disconnection from parents, the shame, the wearing of the mask to cover painful feelings of loss and loneliness, and the gender straitjacket that restricts boys from expressing these emotions.

The author writes about the "Boy Code" which essentially puts an emotional straitjacket on boys growing up. Yet, the way that society deals with boys in divorce only furthers the Boy Code, according to Pollack:

Even given the prevalence of divorce, the boy still behaves in accordance with the Boy Code. Rather than show his feelings of sadness, vulnerability, helplessness, despair, and loss, he will retreat behind the mask. He may act out, become difficult, fight, talk back to the teacher, argue, hit things and people, but—whatever he does—he knows that he must not show the shame that torments him—the shame that he feels at not measuring up, feeling weak, not being a real man.

Pollack believes that the reactions of boys to divorce have often been misinterpreted and understudied. For instance, Judith Wallerstein has written about the "sleeper effect" of divorce on girls. On the surface, girls may seem to be coping well with a divorce, but years later the true negative feelings will surface. Pollack attempts to explain the different reactions of boys and girls to the trauma of divorce:

Boys, on the other hand, are more likely than girls to act out during the divorce. Their voices, in fact, may become loud and strident. But what we are hearing is not a boy’s true inner voice—it is an angry cry, disconnected from the genuine pain he feels within. So while boys and girls tend to behave differently in a divorce situation—boys often make noise, girls tend to suffer in silence—both behaviors are meant to cover the deeper pain they feel within.

Pollack illustrates the difference between boys and girls in the following example:

It’s much easier for Arthur [the step-dad] and me to cope with a cute, teary-eyed, six-year-old girl than with an angry, shouting ten-year-old boy. Willa tells me about her feelings. She points to the stuffed elephant her dad gave her and says, ‘she misses her "real father." ’ When I ask Cameron what he’s feeling, he says he hates Arthur.

Pollack also believes that society often enforces the Boy Code during traumatic events like a death or divorce so that boys do not feel that they can cry or express their feelings of sadness and loss. Pollack writes:

For the most part, however, we expect the boy—especially the adolescent boy—to endure a parent’s death with stoicism and a stiff upper lip. Think of Prince Harry as he marched behind Lady Diana’s hearse, his face calm and emotionless. But what was he thinking and feeling inside?

The societal trend toward single-parent families in which the mother is the primary caregiver can often be harder on boys than girls. In a study of 648 children by Stephanie Kasen, Pollack writes that eight years after divorce "boys in mother-only households were five more times at risk for major depressive disorders than girls in mother-only families."

Pollack warns about two dangers for single mothers in raising boys. The first is to allow the negative emotions directed toward the father to spill over onto the son. Pollack writes, "If she begins to think of her own son as ‘just like his father,’ or ‘acting like all men do,’ he [the child] may come to see himself as toxic." Secondly, there is a danger in allowing or expecting the boy to assume roles once performed by the father: "Although there is nothing wrong with a boy helping out around the house, this push to become the ‘little man’ can exacerbate the trauma of divorce."

While men are typically better off financially after a divorce, they tend to suffer more from depression than do women. Pollack explains that "this is often because the mother has been the one who creates the social connections in and for the family, she has been the emotional glue, and the father feels separated and lost without the social environment he once knew."

Pollack notes two dangers for the father. First, especially if the mother remarries, many fathers believe they are no longer needed and will become noncommunicative. Secondly, without custody, many fathers tend to simply fulfill the obligatory roles of a parent, such as child payment or monthly visits. Both attitudes underestimate the need for boys to maintain strong relational ties to their father. Pollack illustrates a prevalent attitude among divorced men by quoting one such father:

Her new husband is a nice guy. He gets along really well with my son. I don’t think he [my son] needs me anymore.

In conclusion, Pollack writes that there needs to be more understanding in how to deal specifically with the boys of divorce. Pollack includes four suggestions for parents:

Be on the lookout for boys’ sadness and distress, which often lies hidden behind the mask, constricted by the gender straitjacket.

Second, assure your son, that although things cannot remain the same between (and for) the parents—it is not meant to be another separation where he is concerned.

Third, don’t be afraid to lean on other adult loved ones for help.

Fourth, stress to your son that its OK to be afraid...Be honest and keep these discussions in the open.

QUOTATIONS

The following quotes are found in the chapter and are especially telling:

For many boys, the only way to handle the seething emotions involved in divorce is to express them through action, as they do in many other contexts, as we have discussed. They will throw and hit and break things. They will get involved in fights at school and in the neighborhood. They will refuse to do whatever a parents asks. They will step on ants, pull branches off trees, skateboard off high jumps, steal things from the local convenience store, set fires, rip their clothes, get lost in the woods, spit on the sidewalk, throw rocks at windows, play game after video game of mayhem and violence, lose their homework, talk back to a teacher, and commit a thousand other acts that look like those of a ‘bad kid’ but are actually the cries of a boy in pain. Or, as I’ve said, a boy may take the opposite of action. He may withdraw, stop talking, retreat to his room, lie for hours on the couch, shoot a thousand paper wads into his wastebasket, wander around the house, watch excessive amounts of television, put on his headphones and listen to music all day long, stand by the window and stare into space.

School is often the arena where boys act out their emotions about divorce, and, often, teachers are the ones who take the brunt of it.

Joint-custody children tend to fare better both economically and emotionally than single-custody kids, unless the relationship between the mother and father is so acrimonious it provides more grief than support.

From that moment, I really felt like I was on my own. My mother and my sisters had each other. They could retreat to the ladies’ room. But I couldn’t. I had no one to cry with, and I didn’t think I should cry alone.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

IMPLICATIONS

How do the reactions of boys differ from those of girls? How do boys tend to express their emotions from a divorce? How does understanding the different emotional responses help us counsel boys? What is the Boy Code? How does society perpetuate the Boy Code in dealing with boys of divorce? What are some of the dangers for single mothers raising boys? What are some of the dangers and tendencies of divorced fathers who don’t have custody? The author lists four suggestions to parents who are struggling with the issue of divorce. Do you agree or disagree? What would you suggest to parents who are seeking to raise boys?

1. There needs to be a greater awareness of the symptoms and the reactions of boys going through a divorce. Understanding how boys tend to react to divorce helps us be better counselors, parents, and teachers to these boys.
2. Boys tend to express their feelings in action. Troubled behavior is usually only a mask and a cry for help of a more broken, inner struggle.
3. Parents should be aware that healthy, communicative, emotionally attached relationships are vital to the boys of divorce. Mothers who force their boys to grow up too fast and be the "little man of the house" or fathers who believe they have been replaced and no longer needed need to be reminded that the relationship they have with their boys is vital to their growth and development.