To discuss the importance of feelings in counseling.

OVERVIEW

One of the first things a counselor will do upon seeing a new counselee is to assess, from the way the person looks and how he or she talks, just how the person feels. A counselor must also be aware of one’s own feelings toward the counselee, what is being said, and the time that is being taken.

A counselor is always concerned with the physical health, feelings, ideas and knowledge, beliefs and values, and with the lifeskills of the counselee.

One of the first things a person coming for help wants to know is how she or he feels. Very often, the counselee is confused about his or her feelings. What one thinks goes on consciously can be more easily verbalized. What one feels may come from deep within. An effective counselor helps to bring these feelings out, so that they become less frightening and dangerous. Then, feelings can be integrated into the counselee’s conscious assessment of what is wrong and how one should proceed.

WHAT ARE FEELINGS?

When speaking of feelings, one may be literally talking about sensations produced by the senses, like touching. More often, one refers to sensations produced by emotions or the emotions themselves.

Emotions are not necessarily rational. They seem to proceed out of the physical and sentimental side of human nature. Because humans cannot fully understand the human soul or psyche, how feelings come from our bodies, glands, hormones, and general disposition, people must treat themselves as something of a mystery. This may partially explain why feelings and emotions have been neglected in psychology, theology, and education. It is easier to concentrate on what can be more clearly observed and delineated.

AFFECT, FEELINGS, AND EMOTIONS

When trying to identify feelings, realize that there are basic (or primary) and more complex emotions. Feelings are also either positive or negative. It is helpful to think of feelings in babies. Doing so, one may list primary emotions something like this:

• Glad.
• Mad.
• Secure.
• Sad or fretful.

As we grow, we develop more complex feelings:

• Love.
• Fear.
• Comfort.
• Hurt.
• Energy.
• Depression and lethargy.
• Hope/anticipation.
• Desperation.

HEALTHY RESPECT FOR FEELINGS

There are many reasons why theologians, philosophers, scientists, and educators (most of them male) may downplay emotions. The result is that people often underestimate problems in overlooking negative emotions that may be symptomatic of what is weakening their concentration. And they may also lose the renewal that positive emotions can encourage. Another result of the denial of feelings is that people "rationalize" their problems and miss real solutions and holistic healing.

Feelings "are the word labels we learn to place on emotional cues to describe what is going on for us in a given situation." Between our bodies (and its senses) which experience the outside world and our minds that interprets this experience are our emotions. Feelings are caused by physical stimuli or thoughts, on the one hand, and produce physiological responses (as well as further thoughts) which tell us how we are reacting to a situation.

Feelings are often more honest than our minds in telling us "where we are at." Our best friends are often dissatisfied with an intellectual reply and want a gut-level response. When one becomes tired of listening to a friend go on and on about his or her problems, it may be due to the fact that the person is talking "out of his head" only and failing to admit real feelings.

Feelings are not good or bad. Negative feelings warn and help us in particular situations. These are quite normal and necessary for mature behavior. The inability to express and channel negative (or uncomfortable) feelings is emotionally crippling, or at least, limiting and blocks whole and mature functioning.

FEELINGS IN THE COUNSELING PROCESS

A counselor listens to facts about a situation, ideas of the counselee, and possible solutions. The "speaker" (as we refer to the counselee) is dealing with cognitive data. At the same time, the counselor picks up verbal and non-verbal clues about underlying feelings. Any emotion displayed by the counselee is called the affect of the speaker.

One of the first tasks of the counselor is to determine what a person is saying, and not saying, about his or her feelings. When referring to "the owning of one’s feelings," one is talking about the extent to which the speaker recognizes his or her own feelings and sees from where they come. If there is not congruence of how one feels (emotions), the way one thinks (rational intent), and what one does (volition), a person cannot be whole.

It is very important for the counselor to know how to discriminate one’s own feelings. It is not possible to help another while unclear about what is going on in your one’s emotional life. This is often a problem for those who attempt to counsel others.

While the speaker is unclear about or denies his or her feelings, he or she is not really being helped. So, from the start, the counselor (or listener) helps to clarify feelings, brings them out in the open, and ties them to specific situations or causes.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

1. How do you define feelings and emotions?
2. Do you agree that negative feelings, like anger, are not bad in themselves? Why or why not?
3. Do you consider the list of emotions to be a good one? What other emotions would you add?
4. What feeling is the most difficult for you to admit? What is the easiest emotion for you to discuss?