Minton, L. (1999, September 26). Daddy, you’ve got to trust me: British and American teens talk about rules, lying and freedom. Parade, pp. 16-17.

OVERVIEW

The magazine, in its annual "Young Columbus" trip (for a select group of outstanding young people who are newspaper carriers or participants in Newspapers in Education programs), gathered several British and American teens in London. In their conversation, they discussed laws and parenting differences between the two cultures. Some interesting exchanges evolved in their talk. What follows are excerpts from their discussion.

RESTRICTIONS

Jenny, a British teen begins the chat: " ‘Why are Americans so restrictive?’ "

Chloe, also a U.K. youth adds, " ‘Compared to us. Like we’re allowed to smoke—it’s legal—when we’re 16. And it’s legal…to drink at 18.’ "

Bethany, an American teen responds, " ‘Until we’re 18, we don’t have any rights, because our parents still have to take care of us. Since your parents want you to be all great and perfect, they don’t want you to smoke, drink or have sex…They realized after they did it when they were younger that it wasn’t really good for them at that age…But this doesn’t always work, because it makes you want to do it more.’ "

FREEDOMS AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Chloe notes, " ‘In our country, you can leave home at 16. You can get married.’ "

Bethany shares that " ‘In my state, you don’t have to go to school after 16…In most states, you have to be 18 before you can get married without your parents’ permission.’ "

Jason, an American, follows up on family issues when he asks, " ‘Is there a legal age in England when you can have children?’ "

Jenny responds, " ‘The age of consent is 16. And when you can have sex, you can have children…therefore you’re an adult and you should be responsible.’ "

HONESTY WITH PARENTS

Chloe mentions, " ‘…my curfew was about one o’clock. Now it’s fine if I tell my parents, "I’m going to a club…trust me that I’ll be back when I say I will." They let me because they’d rather know where I’m going—I used to say, "Oh, I’m staying at a friend’s house." ’ "

Emily, an American, reacts, " ‘I wish I could be honest…But if I said, "Well, Mom, this is where I’m going to be, and this is what’s going to be going on around me"—not saying I’d do it—"and no adults," they’d say, "No way"…So I just say I’m going with my friend Ginny to a movie.’ "

Bethany chimes in, " ‘If I told my father, "I’m going to this party and there are going to be drugs there," loud words would be exchanged.’ "

Yet, Sam, also an American, differs: " ‘My parents trust me completely. If I tell them that I’ll be at a club or something, they’ll trust me to go home whenever, and not do drugs or anything.’ "

Jason laments that " ‘I’m almost 18 and weekends, if I want to stay out till 1 a.m., I have to call…If I leave one friend’s house, I have to call home…I feel like my wings have been clipped. I get tired of my parents’ strictness.’ "

Sam offers some important insight to parents’ motives: "…I realized that my parents are not telling me I can’t go somewhere because they want to ruin my life. They’re just trying to look after me. Most kids don’t realize their parents care that much about them. They’re thinking, "My parents make me come home at 1:00 because they’re just being mean." But the way I see it, they care enough about you to let you go out till 1:00.’ "

Emily agrees and disagrees: " ‘I do realize that everything my parents do is out of love for me. But as soon as I start to ask about going somewhere, my dad’ll be like, "what would Jesus do, Emily?"…it gets on my nerves. I’m like, "I don’t know what Jesus would do. I think Jesus might go." And, "Daddy, you’ve got to trust me. I’m 18." But he’s like, "It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don’t trust the people that will be around you." And I say, "Look dad, if I was going to have sex or do drugs, I would have by now. And you’ve got to trust me that you’ve raised me right."

Bethany wonders, " ‘My parents know I’ve seen all this stuff happen, but I haven’t engaged in it because I never chose to. I knew there were consequences. So why can’t they trust me?’ "

Dariush, a British teen tries to understand and explain parents’ perspectives: " ‘Your parents’ background—what they would have done when they were young—affects how much freedom they give you.’ "

Jenny is confounded by her parents at times as she adds, " ‘My parents confuse me…I can tell them I’m going to go where there’ll be drinking. I can tell them I’ll be home late. But if I don’t run the dishwasher, if I don’t hang up my clothes, I’m grounded for a weekend. It’s the crazy little things that get me into trouble. As long as I’m behaving around them and my work’s good, they don’t mind.’ "

Chloe closes the conversation as she says, " ‘My parents are the most liberal people I’ve ever met…In one way, it seems like they don’t care. But I know they do. I have to be home for dinner every day, and we eat as a family, whereas other families just eat whenever they want to eat. And we talk about things…They know practically everything about me.’ "

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

IMPLICATIONS

• Which comments did you most identify with? Which comments frustrated you?
• Is there a cultural difference between parenting in England and in the USA? Is parenting affected by culture? Explain.
• What type of a parent do you want to be? What type of a teenager would you like to be?
• How can these types of discussions be helpful? How can they be harmful?
• How should young people balance freedom and responsibility? What freedoms should a 16-year-old be granted? What responsibilities should a 16-year-old be held accountable for?

1. There are so many discussion points within this particular review—from legal driving ages to honesty about drinking, to trust from and for parents. Overall, it is about boundaries and respect. This discussion can be used as a springboard for discussion within your own youth group.
2. It is important to understand the families that your youth live in. To better understand a young person, learn how their families work.