Sure, M.D. (1997, August 26). Child-friendly divorce: Counselors try to keep kids together when families fall apart. The Washington Post, WH10.

OVERVIEW

We live in a society of broken promises and vows; one in every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce. The two partners immediately involved in a divorce obviously experience major life change and often face associated suffering. However, researchers have found that children of separated couples are often more significantly affected by divorce than their parents.

There is growing realization that the turmoil wrought by divorce actually has long-term negative effects upon children, lasting even into their adult lives. For instance, children often lose self-confidence and find intimacy with others difficult as a result of their parents’ separation. Thus, researchers are focusing more attention on how to deal with children experiencing the breakup of their parents. Many believe that support given to children at the time of the breakup may head off problems for them in the future.

The number of divorced parents living in the United States has risen from 4 million in 1970 to 17 million in 1994. According to research conducted by Mavis Hetherington, a psychologist at UVA, 20 to 25% of children of divorce exhibit behavioral problems, compared to 10% of children from intact families. These problems include anxiety, depression, and phobias—all of which can affect the quality of their lives. This percentage is significant, as it is two and a half times the risk of kids whose parents stay together.

Natalie Rathvon, an clinical psychologist at George Washington University, argues that the effects of divorce upon children can be quite severe: " ‘What is worrisome is that you can’t tell how well a child is going to do later on, based on how well he’s doing going into a divorce. When their secure base is threatened, all kinds of things can happen to kids.’ "

Carol Werlinich, director of the Family Service Center at the University of Maryland goes into further detail:

‘Divorce is a loss much like death for children. What they lose is the ideal family, the mother and father unit and the central, safe knowledge of that. For many, death is an easier loss because it’s final and there’s no blame. But divorce is someone choosing not to be with you. And you’ve got to live with that decision.’

Many children hear so much about the new financial needs of the single parent with whom they live that they begin to deem their own needs unimportant. They also often find themselves in a role of caretaker for their custodial parent. This facilitates stress and worry for children at a young age.

Children of divorce often sense that they aren’t valued. Experts agree that kids need to be able to talk about their loses and be reassured that they are always loved and cared for by both parents. If their sense of loss is not addressed, kids can develop various emotional responses, from feelings of abandonment and rejection to an obsessive concern for safety and security. Children often feel guilty and responsible for the divorce. These feelings can also lead to shame, as they begin to feel less worthy than children of two-parent homes. Children either internalize these feelings or act out in aggressive behavior at school or home. Some kids become so preoccupied with their parents’ disputes that they become incapacitated to continue with their school work or other extracurricular activities. When kids see their parents distressed, their own feelings of insecurity are often exacerbated.

Professionals agree that age often plays a role in how children handle the crisis of divorce. Richard H. Mikewelil suggests that divorce has recognizable effects during early adolescence: kids are already struggling with so many things at this stage; divorce can prove very difficult for them. During this time, kids need much emotional support and acceptance from their parents. However, in a divorce, the parents just may not be available to them.

Skipping school and experimenting with drugs and alcohol are two extreme, yet typical, responses for teenagers amidst divorce. However, other teenagers may already be focused on college and getting away from home, and may more effectively deal with the crisis.

Most experts agree that, even with these risks, parents should not stay together in a dysfunctional relationship just for the sake of their children. Risa Garon, executive director of Children of Separation and Divorce Inc., says: " ‘I do believe parents have a huge responsibility to try and work out the relationship. But I think if they’ve really tried and it still doesn’t work they need to be separate and apart. Their children will be better off than if they stay together when they don’t want to.’ "

Children will always experience sadness in a divorce. But, experts agree that if they’re assured that each parent loves them and they are told they are not responsible for the divorce, kids can often cope. It is important that kids have constant contact with both parents and know that they are supported. Divorced parents must realize that they have an obligation to their kids to continue to have solid communication with each other in regards to their children.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

IMPLICATIONS

• What have you learned about the effects of divorce on children? How should adults interact with children who are experiencing or have experienced divorce?
• Is it ever right to get a divorce when children are involved? If so, what specific actions must divorcing parents take to insure the least damage upon their children?
• How does the content of this article relate to your life and the specific individuals with whom you interact? Would reading this article help anyone you know?

1. It is essential, for anyone who deals with young people, to understand that divorce can have serious and long-lasting effects on children. It is important to have a general understanding about the specific ways in which kids suffer from and react to divorce in their lives.
2. Parents, teachers, role models, and friends of youth must actively seek ways to support those whose parents are going through divorce. We must rely on one another (community, friends, relatives, churches, schools) to help provide needed support and love to these children.