Caring for a grieving teen

1. Grieving is a process not to be rushed, avoided, or done in isolation.
2. Isolation or avoidance occurring between the adolescent and parents may cause devastating effects on them that will be carried into adulthood.
3. If the grieving process is allowed to run its course with the proper support, one will likely be able to rebuild his or her life. The pain of death doesn’t permanently leave; neither does the love for and of the person. Love lasts beyond the physical person. There is great hope in this.

To help those caring for a teen as they go through the grieving process after a sudden death.

OVERVIEW

WRITER’S EXPERIENCE

PURPOSE OF INTERVENTION

EXACT NATURE OF INTERVENTION

The grief process, though individual by nature, appears to follow a series of emotions. The steps of the process need to be handled in different ways. The following summaries and tips offer guidelines. All people involved with the teen can help in some way. Compassion should also be a guide.

• Immediately following the death and the week or so to follow:
  • Feelings of shock, disbelief, denial, anger, numbness can hit the person in an intense fashion. The teen may not want to cry right away, and that’s normal.
  • The need for support and community is vital. It is a time for listening if they want to talk (boys and girls may vary) and to not pressure them for a quick recovery. The attitude of the supporter is critical. There needs to be empathy, not pity.
  • A group of friends of the loved one may want to stay together at different people’s homes for the initial few days after the death. This helps in realizing they are not alone in their feelings.
  • Basic needs also need to be met at this time because of the overwhelming nature of the situation. (Food, wash clothes, etc.)
  • A gentle word or a hug at a vulnerable time is valuable. For example, an arranged phone call in the morning when the person is getting up and will be thinking of the lost loved one is helpful.
  • Talking about God in the initial stages of grief is not helpful. There is a time when the rebuilding of the relationship with God is vital, but not until the numbness and anger are gone.

‘...sorrow so deep it deafens all else and in time a small lifting allows for you to begin to hear and see more clearly...’— C.S. Lewis

• The funeral:
  • It is a critical part in dealing with the loss and the denial of the death of the friend. It confirms that the death has occurred. When talking to a teen at a funeral, it can help to say a personal comment to them about their friend. It doesn’t always mean a whole lot to her the words, "I‘m sorry for your loss."
• After the funeral:
  • The emotions should begin to pour out with an intensity: anger, guilt, grief, abandonment, fear, and depression. It is normal and good to express the sorrow. Hopefully, there will be someone with the teen who can listen and accept the feelings during these times. It is critical to let the sorrow go. A strong hostility may need to be expressed. There is no formula or timing involved in this initial recovering process. Be patient. Ask the teen what you can do to help.
• Rebuilding a new life:
  • It takes courage to start feeling, believing, and having hope. At a certain point, all up to the teen, there will be a realization that they can’t grieve forever. The best way to honor the memory of their friend is to start a new life. This is the beginning of being able to feel God’s presence in their lives. Many times a gratitude for a shared life and what a gift life is comes upon them. The missing of the friend will not truly leave, but hopefully it will be followed by fond memories.

PRECAUTIONS

There is no "fix it" type of solution to handling grief and loss. There is no way to fix or change the situation, so dealing with the reality of it in a caring and compassionate way is best.

• Professional help is sometimes necessary if the grief appears to be inconsolable. The person generally will not be able to recognize this, but the people around them should. Some possible indicators are lasting physical problems, huge levels of anger and guilt, and continued depression.
• The grieving process cannot be rushed.

FURTHER SUGGESTIONS

In browsing the Internet for possible information that would pertain to grief in teen, I found a couple of websites that were helpful.

• www.willowgreen.com —Look under the advice section for tips on grief and most frequently asked questions about grief.
• www.misterrogers.org —It is for younger kids than teens, but many times there are younger siblings involved that need help with their emotions as well.

Some books might be helpful:

• A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis is useful in taking you through one person’s grief, from the anger to the rebuilding of his new life.
• Dealing With Death—A Christian Perspective by D.P. Brooks helps the reader with some concrete ways of coping with grief and some biblical references for preventative teaching about death.
• The Grieving Teen by Helen Fitzgerald will be published sometime this year (2000).

GRIEF TIPS FROM WILLOWGREEN

• Create a memory book.
• Plant something living in honor of the person (tree, plant. etc.).
• Keep a journal.
• Listen to music.
• Allow yourself to laugh and cry.
• Do something to help someone else (during the final stages of grief).

IMPLICATIONS

This intervention is for the people who help teens handle the grieving process. Each person has a different way of experiencing grief, but there are similarities, and there are individual techniques that may help. There are also times when professional help is necessary; it is good to have local resources available as warranted.

Recently, our congregation experienced a devastating loss. An auto accident took the lives of two of our young women and severely injured their mothers. The unexpected nature of this event seemed horrible, inexplicable, and unfathomable. As a youth worker, I was focused on helping the teens deal with the loss of their friends. The pain from that accident is still evident in our church body, and it will be for years to come.

In the life of the teen, there will be a time when he or she must face the sudden death of a friend or relative. It is a shock. Feelings of pain, separation, anger, and numbness flood the person. How do they face these intense emotions? Most people around the teen will not understand what he or she needs; the teen won’t know right away, either. Still, support of family and friends is critical. To know that someone cares and is willing to grieve with them is most important. In time, the emotions will change, but the teen still needs to be able to talk about the person who died.