Berman, C. (1991, February). Adult children of divorce speak out: Casualties of the war between parents, these unwitting victims carry wounds that may never heal... Cosmopolitan, p. 187.

OVERVIEW

As a journalist with a serious interest in the field of divorce and remarriage, Berman searches for the answer to the question, "What happens to the children?" She interviewed over forty men and women ranging in age from 24 to 66 who, as children, experienced the divorce of their parents. This article is based on the book, Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out. (Berman, C. [1991]. New York City: Simon and Schuster.)

As she listened to candid accounts of respondents, she developed a better understanding of divorce and its aftermath. The most striking impression learns is that the divorce of parents never goes away. It may have been welcomed. It may have been understood. It may have been integrated into their lives. It may have led to new strengths. But even when it provides a positive solution to a destructive family situation, divorce remains a critical experience for the children. Although there may have been relief that a painful situation ended, there was also regret that a healthy family could not have been created.

The effects of divorce upon children depend on their ages at the time of the breakup, their temperaments and coping strategies, and their parents. Whether the parents, now ex-spouses, are able to maintain a good relationship with one another, whether both remain involved in the care of the child, even whether the child and custodial parent are of the same sex—all of these variables affect how well or how poorly a youngster adjusts to divorce. Accepting the importance of individual differences, Berman was nevertheless struck by the similarities. (Cosmopolitan, p. 187)

The author sees similarities between the adult children of divorce, the adult children of alcoholics, and dysfunctional families. She found seven common characteristics in the people she interviewed:

• Problems with self-esteem.
• Difficulty in trusting others.
• Sense of isolation and loneliness.
• Difficulty with intimacy.
• Strong need to maintain control.
• Fear of commitment.
• Concern about sexuality.

The author also found that children whose parents have divorced often place a strong emphasis on financial security, have a strong yearning for stability, a high empathy level, are fiercely independent, and have a powerful drive to succeed. (p. 187)

Cassie Stevenson was seven years old when her parents divorced. Now, at twenty-nine, she still feels its effects. When a date called her up to cancel their casual get-together, she exploded. Later, she reflected, "It’s happening again. Someone is breaking his promise to be there for me. Again." (p. 188)

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

According to psychiatrist Clifford J. Sager, "One of the consequences of divorce is that children (especially if those who were young at the time of the breakup) feel that, in some way, they were responsible—either ‘I did bad things’ or ‘I didn’t do enough to keep the marriage together.’ " Such children may grow up with an "If only I had been more worthy..." complex.

"If only I had been better...if I had been more lovable...if I had given less trouble," the child of divorce thinks "my parents would have maintained a life together, my father (or) mother would not have moved out of the home." (p. 188)

At age twenty-six, Nancy Kovach reflects:

I see kids from good, functional families as having more guts and being stronger than I. They approach life with a sense of ‘I can do it.’...But when your security blanket is pulled away from you at the age of six or eight, you don’t have that feeling. The world becomes a treacherous place.

Suspicious of relationships, Nancy has tended to become romantically attracted to people who have been "damaged" in some way—to approach men with an attitude: "There must be something wrong with any man who has shown the poor judgment to be interested in me."

DISTRUST

The late psychoanalyst Melanie Klein notes: "If a child is not afforded enough happiness in her early life, her capacity for developing a hopeful attitude, as well as love and trust in people, will be disturbed." And Dr. Sager adds, "The child thinks, ‘I’d rather live by myself. Nobody else cares.’ " An adult child of divorce in her forties adds:

The bottom line is, that, as a child of divorce you feel alone...The world is not a reliable place, and you have to find a center within yourself. Then you have to protect that center. The way I did it was by not letting anyone in on what I was really thinking or feeling. It has become a lifetime habit, unfortunately, that, from time to time, causes difficulty between my husband and myself. He accuses me of not wanting to share my feelings with him. What he fails to understand is that I am unable to share them with anyone. (p. 188)

Adam Norris is 29; his parents divorced when he was four.

I have a real need for the positive strokes I can get from friends. I require testimonials of friendship. But (and the author claims this statement came up repeatedly in her interviews) I test everyone all the time. If they fall short of my expectations, I drop them. That’s not just a matter of trust. It’s also a matter of control. (p. 188)

FEAR OF COMMITMENT

A manifesto on children’s rights begins, "Children learn what they live." If they live with love, they learn to love, If they live with trust, they learn to trust. If they live with commitment, they do not fear to commit.

Much more damaging than the fact of divorce is the way life after divorce is handled by the parents. If the ex-spouse is continually blamed; if kids are put in the middle; or if a newly liberated, self-centered parent lives with partner after partner, the child continues to suffer losses and fails to experience critical bonding. According to co-founder of the Stepfamily Association, psychologist Emily Visher, "It’s not divorce that’s at fault; it’s what people do with divorce."

Delia Sherman was left by her mother while still an infant and her father had her raised by a series of housekeepers because he was usually away on business. Visits from her mother were "sporadic, few, and tantalizing."

The men I dated were a lot like my mother. They were more devoted to their own needs than to mine. Like her, they could give—but only on a limited, short-term basis. They were there when the going was good.

I began to wonder why I continued to make such choices. At 22 I entered into therapy and promised not to commit until both the doctor and I decided that I was ready to make a healthy decision. (Smiling widely) Phil was my healthy decision. He and I were so committed to each other and to marriage, I can’t imagine something we wouldn’t have worked out. He is my best friend. (p. 189)

SEXUAL CONCERNS

Readiness for intimacy is a characteristic of adulthood. Healthy adults should be able to "give and accept love without fear of hurting or being hurt" (though some hurt may be involved in growth and adjustment). The author found many sexual concerns cited as consequences of growing up as a child of divorce. E. Mavis Hetherington, in a study on the effects of absent fathers found "that girls whose fathers left home before they were five will often try to make up for the loss of that first love by becoming sexually precocious in adolescence." One forty-year-old woman stated:

I became promiscuous in high school. In a curious way, I think it was because I was still being the good little girl trying to hold on to Daddy’s affection. My attitude with the men I met was ‘Just tell me what you want and I will do it.’

My self image was low. I didn’t believe I had a right to say no. That attitude stayed with me through college (where I got involved with some of my professors), through a short-lived marriage, and through many affairs. In all, I was so intent on giving pleasure, I never stopped to think of ME. (p. 189)

GOOD ADJUSTMENTS

The people in these forty interviews found healing, growth, and the overcoming of the above problems through these factors: (p. 189)

• A respectful relationship between their divorced parents
• The successful remarriage of one or both parents
• Developing a positive relationship with a stepparent
• Coming to know oneself as a valued person.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

IMPLICATIONS

• What most impresses or depresses you in this article review?
• Do you believe that there are credible theories for the reasons people experience difficulties in life, relationships, and growing up? Is there too much emphasis on dysfunctional families?
• Do you find yourself having problems with any of the above seven issues? How do you handle that issue in your life?

1. A woman sat in a group discussing the problems of young people. When a couple of members of the group referred to "broken families," she interrupted angrily, "Well, my husband and I were divorced a few years ago, and my two girls are doing fine, thank you." Her remark may be true, but studies show long-lasting negative effects of divorce upon children. The psychic injury may be slight in some cases—and there may actually be some benefits of early maturity and sensitivity—but the rupture of a family produces some scars we must accept. No school or youth organization can ignore these effects upon those they teach and nurture.
2. It is important for adults to quit blaming their parents for all of their woes. Each person is responsible for behaving as adults and for relating to others in a way that is responsible.
3. "People have to be aware that they do have the power to change their lives," psychotherapist Teresa Adams reminds us. "Since trust of another human being is a learned process, you can learn new data as an adult. But here is the key variable: You must stop sabotaging yourself by choosing people who replicate your past." No one needs to remain in destructive patterns of life because he or she is a child of divorce.