Adaptive and Reactive Distancing among Adolescents from Alcoholic Families
Berlin, R. & Davis, R.B. (1988, Fall). Adaptive and Reactive Distancing among Adolescents from Alcoholic Families. Adolescents, XXIII(91), 577-584.
Young people who grow up in a family affected by alcoholism are greatly impacted. One of the key coping devices involves distancing themselves, either adaptively or reactively.
There are approximately 7,000,000 children of alcoholics under age eighteen. Numerous accounts (Black, 1982; Deutsch, 1982; Wegscheider, 1979; Wilson & Oxford, 1978) point to the centricity of alcoholism, describing the central focus or centrifugal pull it has on all aspects of life within the family. These pulls are strong, often overwhelming. Many of the child’s basic needs are not met. Not only is the alcoholic parent unable to function in such a way that meets an adolescent’s needs, but the non-alcoholic parent is too busy trying to meet the needs of the alcoholic parent. Children often feel responsible for the drinking and try to do things to make it stop, almost always failing. This causes the child to feel helpless and inadequate. Through the denial that usually accompanies such a situation, the child’s perceptions and feelings are not validated by others in the family. This causes internal distress no longer linked to the drinking but to their own personal inadequacies.
This article differentiates the two major mechanisms of distancing (called adaptive distancing) a child of alcoholic parents uses to disengage from the centrifugal pull of their parents’ distress. It also discusses how to remove the crisis’ dominant position in the child’s world so that it does not permanently affect his or her sense of self.
This study compiles other research on the effects of alcoholism on children, translating them into a flow of possible logical reactions.
The flow and findings of the study are as follows:
- How alcohol can dominate the daily life of all family members ("centricity" of alcoholism).
- The two primary types of coping known as distancing: adaptive and reactive.
- Fantasies associated with familial alcoholism.
- The distancing process.
- Methods for helping children of alcoholics cope.
The findings indicate that a child’s reactive or adaptive distancing is the ultimate response to the dysfunctionalism that alcohol instills as he or she grows into adolescence.
Distancing occurs intermittently throughout the growth process; the child is repeatedly drawn back into the family by both love and guilt. During the distancing periods, a child may pursue adaptive distancing. This is typified by a child fleeing from family and toward activities and relationships that provide an environment for reparative work, possibly through neighbors, relatives, or peers. Reactive distancing is another form of coping: it is patterned by flight and isolation; denying or minimizing one’s own distress; shunning relationships; and choosing delinquent, impulsive actions to come to terms with feelings. If a child seeks and receives support from others during distancing, the next stable period will result in more productive distancing. The converse is true if nonsupportive, unhealthy, reactive distancing is sought; if no help or encouragement emerges while a child is reactively distancing, then the child may flee into even more destructive activity. Often, families try hard not to lose the child to distancing, and the child may be torn between family and his or her own desires for independence.
Many children are able to adapt and distance themselves quite well with little or no professional help. If they can view alcoholism as a disease, then they can release their own feelings of fault. Additionally, if they see other families with similar problems, they are able to lose the sense of isolation. Learning about alcoholism helps them to see their problem in a new, more satisfying light, and it empowers them to act positively on their own behalf.
There are important, encouraging messages for children of alcoholic parents:
- You are not alone.
- It is not your fault.
- Alcoholism is a disease; the parent is not inherently "bad".
- Alcoholics can and do recover.
- You are worthy and deserving of help.
Positive, adaptive distancing is necessary to a developing a healthy identity amidst the dysfunctional environment of a family affected by alcohol abuse.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION
- Does alcohol affect your family? How?
- Do you feel like you play a part in your parent’s alcoholism? Why or why not?
- Aside from wanting your parent to stop drinking, what is your greatest desire for yourself?
- What advice do you have for someone dealing with this?
- As a youth worker, how can you recognize a child affected by familial alcoholism? How can you serve a child or family in that situation?
Young people need encouragement as they build their own identities. Familial alcoholism robs them of this nurturing, possibly leading them to low self-esteem and harmful activity. Conversely, if surrounded by caring, positive attention outside the family, a young person’s identity and value system can be nourished. Kids from alcoholic families often do end up in unhealthy relationships or behave destructively, but this is avoidable. A child of an alcoholic parent needs a caring adult to become involved in his or her life. An adult friend has many options:
- Provide the child information on alcoholism.
- Offer a wholesome, welcome, and safe environment for adaptive distancing.
- Supportively reinforce the child’s sense of identity and socialization.
- Help the child sort through the feelings he or she has for the alcoholic parent.
- Obtain professional help for the child as necessary.
