The Power of Making Amends

"If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering." (Matthew 5:23, 24)

The Power of Making Amends

A rescue mission counselor asked me to talk with a man who had returned to their recovery program for the third time.  Despite completing their program twice, he was unable to remain sober for more than a few months.  Not too far into our discussion, I recognized he had not been able to develop the healthy sort of relationships essential for continued growth in recovery.  Fearful of becoming too involved with others, he could not experience the joy of meaningful, fulfilling relationships. I asked him, "Have you ever done the 8 & 9 Steps?"   His answer of "No" made perfect sense.  Like many newly recovering people, he still carried a load of guilt and remorse from unresolved past relationships.  Thus, he could not move forward with confidence to make new intimate relationships. He needed to clean up the residue of his past first. 

Homeless addicts are the loneliest people in the world.  Their destructive behavior alienates those who care about them.  They come to rescue mission recovery programs with long trails of broken relationships.  When they find sobriety, their minds clear up and their thoughts naturally turn toward their loved ones.  They tend to be filled with all sorts of guilt, shame and remorse over the loss of these significant relationships. So, mission programs can offer real healing by helping these people become restored to family members and others they have hurt.

Some very practical guidance to do this is found in the Twelve Step approach to recovery:

Step Eight - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.

Step Nine - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

These important "therapeutic exercises" are also an essential dimension of Christian discipleship.  The 12 Steps, in essence, bring recovering people through a process of progressive humbling.  Each successive step is a deeper opportunity to forgo ego for the sake of doing what is right.  This starts by humbling themselves by admitting they have an addiction that they cannot overcome by themselves.  Then, they are called to humble themselves before God and to turn their lives and wills over to Him.  Steps 4 & 5 involve a further humbling experience; sharing the "exact nature of our wrongs" with another trusted human being. (See James 5:16). And finally, Steps 8 & 9 involve an even more difficult proposition, going to those who have been harmed and sincerely attempting to restore those relationships by making amends.

What are amends?  According to the Serenity New Testament they are:

• Sincere efforts to offer apology for past harm.
• Wonderful bridge-builders for more positive future relationships.
• Effective agents for removing the tremendous weight of guilt, shame, and remorse.¹
  

Along with a verbal apology and recognition of the hurt and wrong afflicted, some sort of restitution may be necessary.  This could involve a repayment of money or some other gesture intended to restore losses from individuals that were harmed.

The process of making amends actually starts early in the 12 Step process.  A written inventory of one's most troubling sins and character defects is developed in the Fourth Step.  This sets the stage for Steps 8 and 9 because most items listed involve harm done to others.  Step 5 is also essential.  It helps addicts to more fully understand what is means to really repent of one's sins.  Sharing the personal inventory with another person also helps them to experience more deeply God's forgiveness.  This is absolutely essential if they are to move toward repairing the damage they have done to their relationships with others.

To whom do  they need to make amends?  Here are a few more suggestions from the Serenity New Testament:

• All persons who may have been victims of our addictions.
• We need to include members of the next generation (especially our own children) who have been impacted by our addictions and compulsions.
• All members of our families of origin, living and dead.
• Our families of procreation, that is, the families we make by marriage.
• Our work families, community families, church families.
• The family of man. (Have we been prejudiced against and intolerant toward other political, religious, or racial groups?)  ²
  

In his book, Staying Sober, Terence Gorksi shares a simple exercise that creates a workable "road map" for the process of making amends.  On a sheet of paper, draw lines to make three columns.  In the left column, list those who were hurt by my drinking/drug addiction.  In the center one, list how they were hurt in very specific terms.  And, in the right, list what must be done to make amends with them.  A final step in the process is to determine who can and cannot be contacted and to develop a chronological list of those who will be contacted.

The second half of Step 9 offers a warning - there are certain people to whom we should not attempt to make amends.  This is because doing so could actually be more harmful than doing nothing.  In Step 8 the focus is on a list of all those to whom one is willing to make amends.  Step 9 involves talking real action to restore relationships. This requires much more discretion.  Here are things to consideration from the Serenity New Testament:

• Start with those to whom we may turn immediately, such as spouses or close family members.
  
• There may be those to whom only partial disclosure can be made, because to do more would cause harm to others.  We need always to consider the risks to other individuals' security, privacy, and confidentiality.
• There are also those to whom amends should be deferred until a later date.  Perhaps the hurts are so fresh that our presence would only trigger rage on their part.  Maybe we also need to work through some anger and resentments of our own.
• Then, there are those whom we should never contact, because doing so would only open up old relationship doors that need to stay closed.  This may be especially true in the case of former sexual partners.³
  

We don't want to rush recovering people into going out to make amends with those they have hurt. Because it can be very frightening and stressful, relapse can easily occur during this process.  Even with several of sobriety months behind them, they still a lot of love and support. Coaching can be extremely helpful in regard to specific attempts to make amends.  Rehearsing the amends with a sponsor or counselor can be important.  This can help them to avoid blameshifting and to keep the focus on their own behavior and actions in the situation.  It never works to say, "I did this but you did that, too."  In certain cases, they make not even be sure of whether a situation requires a real amends or not.  And, there are some difficult situations where amends may be required, for instance with an abusive parent.  They must be reminded of the fact that making amends does not mean ignoring, excusing, or condoning the abuse and wrong the other person may have done.  The main point is that they are still responsible for negative hurtful things they have done in respect to these relationships.

The risk of rejection can be a part of making amends.  There is no guarantee that people will respond to their request for forgiveness with openness and love.  They may have simply experienced too much pain and are not willing to forgive the person and trust them again. And, they cannot be expected to ask forgiveness of them for wrongs they may have committed either.  Those who would make amends must be reminded that while others may not respond as they wish they would, it will still do them a world of good.  In a sense, it is a bit of a one-sided process.  Ultimately, the practice of making amends is more for one's own conscience than it is about changing other people's attitudes.  We do it because it is pleasing to God and for the sake of our own peace of mind and serenity.  We are not responsible for the reactions of others.

Great healing occurs when recovering addicts start taking responsibility for the wrongs they have done and move forward constructively to make things right with those they have harmed.  This whole process of making amends always begins with those closest to the addict: spouses, children, parents, and other family members. Often, despite initial skepticism, these people may see real change and begin to open their hearts again.  There is no greater joy for rescue mission workers than to see families that have been torn apart and mothers who never knew what happened to their sons or daughters, to see the reunions that could come out of this. It's such a powerful thing, and these restored relationships can create such motivation for recovery and reward for all the hard work they put into getting to this point. It's tremendous.

-----------

Some helpful video resources for helping mission program participants in the area of relationships are:

1.      "Relationships" by Dean Sherman of Youth With A Mission (available from YWAM Publishing - (800) 922-2143

2.      "Hunger for Healing" by Keith Miller Mission (available from Christian Family Video - (800) 321-0095

References

¹      The Serenity New Testament (Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, TN, 1982).  This helpful resource is available from IUGM's ResourceCenter.

²      Serenity New Testament

³      Ibid.

 By Michael Liimatte, Director of City Vision College