L.A. Walker Resources

Walker, L.A. (1993, December 12). To ease broken hearts. Parade, pp. 12-13.

OVERVIEW

In this epidemic of divorce—which has resulted in one out of every two marriages ending in divorce—the children suffer most. Now, in some communities, there is an attempt to require parents to attend classes that can help them understand and alleviate the challenges that children of divorce face.

Children often become objects of divorce. As Judge Patrick McCarty of Indianapolis said, "The day I came to the bench, there were these parents. The first issue was the custody of a very small child. The other was who would get the patio furniture. I shook my head. I wanted to shout: ‘Hey! Children are not just objects!’ "

When parents face a divorce, there is a belief that the children will be ‘all right’ and that they will ‘adjust.’ The evidence contradicts that hypothesis. The author notes differences in a child’s response to divorce as correlated with the youngster’s age:

Infants as young as three days old are aware of arguments and changes in the home. Up until age two, children will become more fussy and may become constipated or have diarrhea. Pre-schoolers are afraid they have caused the divorce. Children 5 to 8 are often the saddest. Between ages 9 and 12, children become angry and blaming, seeing things either as right or wrong. They may encourage their parents to badmouth each other. Teenagers are anxious. This is a prime time to fall into troubling behavior problems. Teens also embarrass easily: They don’t want to hear from friends about how sexy their parents look.

The percentage of American adults who have divorced has more than tripled from 1970 to 1990. According to the Center for Health Statistics, one million children annually have been newly affected by divorce since 1972. The courts regularly watch children suffer from the breakup of their families and the lack of attention paid to them by their parents. In such situations, the parents entrenched in their own turmoil and struggles that they fail to see the negative influences on their children.

In a divorce, children can become pawns, being used as chattel in the bargaining process for such things as home and furniture. It is typical to hear one parent to say to the other, "If you give me the house, I won’t contest your custody of the children." In the divorce process this term is called, ‘bargaining.’ It is simply an attempt to get what one wants.

In Indianapolis and elsewhere across the country, a plan was implemented to court-order divorcing parents to attend a four-hour course called "Children Cope with Divorce." This course teaches parents how children at various ages are likely to react to their separation. Key points of the course follow:

• Do not use children as messengers. It is a "no-win" situation.
• Do not talk to children about the financial aspects of divorce. It is not their responsibility. It is OK to say, "Things will be a little tight this month," but do not alarm them.
• Do reassure children frequently. Let them know that they are loved. Make sure that they know that they did not cause the divorce.
• Do find positive things to say about your former spouse. After all, that person will always be the child’s parent.
• Do not affix the blame for the divorce. Especially if the other parent was having an affair. A child—even a two-year-old—may suspect, but what is the purpose in telling? The only reason would be to make yourself look good.
• Children should not meet casual dates of their divorced parents.
• Parents should listen carefully to their children to try to understand how they are being affected by the divorce.

When the program began in Atlanta in 1988, 70 percent of parents repeatedly visited court within a year. Since the course began, the majority have stopped returning. "Judge McCarty of Indianapolis says that the biggest change he has seen since the classes began is fewer custody fights. More mothers and fathers are able to iron out their differences realistically instead of battling furiously. And that is sure to make things easier for their children."

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

IMPLICATIONS

• With the effects of divorce permeating all age groups, what is the youth worker’s responsibility to help the children and the parents?
• In what ways have you personally seen how children—especially adolescents—have been affected?
• Do you think a mandatory course is necessary? Why or why not?

1. In all youth groups there are children from divorced homes. Some may be in the middle of a divorce battle. All children react differently—but they do react.
2. With adolescents and young adults, unusual behavior is common, and it may be hard to tell if a child in a divorce is having difficulties. Just as sex and AIDS discussions have become prevalent, divorce, too, needs discussion. Much healing can be generated within the peer group.