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Blazing Grace Newsletter, November 2006

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Blazing Grace Newsletter, November 2006                               

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* The Destructive Force of Adultery      

* 11 Reasons Why Sunday Sermons Aren’t Enough

* The Blazing Grace Radio Show

* Prayer Requests

* Purpose and Support

* Final Words

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The Destructive Force of Adultery

By Mike Genung

 

July, 1991. I was masturbating to porn daily, and had lost all control to stop. Prior to getting married in 1989, I’d assumed that having moral sex would resolve my problem with lust, but a year into our marriage I succumbed to the pull again. No one knew about my secret; least of all Michelle, my young wife of two years.

 

I’d started a new business in March of that year, and had decided to take a three week driving trip across the U.S. to visit customers and get sales jump started. We lived in Southern California at the time; my plan was to drive to Missouri over the weekend and start making sales calls in St. Louis that Monday.

 

Saturday morning I woke up at 5:00am, and got ready to go. My nerves were on edge; I was afraid to leave. The idea of facing the temptations that come with the roaring silence of a hotel room for three weeks straight was like looking down over a precipice with a steep drop off where I couldn’t see the bottom. The anxiety was so intense that I rushed to the bathroom to give up my breakfast. Michelle was shocked and rushed to me in concern, but I couldn’t tell her what I was going through. “I’ll be okay; something I ate didn’t sit well with my stomach,” I mumbled. 

 

I made it to Blue Springs, Missouri that night; a drive of about 1400 miles. Exhausted, I went to sleep not long after checking in. “I made it through the first night without falling,” I thought. “Maybe this trip won’t be so bad.”

 

As I made the 240 mile drive into St. Louis the next morning, the ache of loneliness started it’s descent on my emotions. I thought about being alone in a hotel far away from home for most of the day with nothing to do… and then sexual fantasy fluttered through my mind like a butterfly; one that I started chasing. By the time I checked in to the hotel I’d already decided to buy some porn.

 

Later that night I went to a convenience store and bought several adult magazines. As I flipped through the pages I was shocked to find that one of the “articles” had to do with the Satan. In spite of the fact that I was playing with the demonic, it didn’t matter—I was too far gone; taking a deep drink of sexual fantasy was all I wanted. The fact that I’d spent the previous Sunday in church and had a young Christian bride of two years who trusted me at home was overshadowed by my lust.

 

I spent that week in St. Louis, Chicago and Detroit, with the same pattern repeating itself: binge on porn and masturbation all night, wake up with a shame hangover, and then function in the business world on a few hours of sleep the next day. The adrenaline from my acting out binges over–amped my nervous system with lust and kept me going; I was like a heroin-addict who eagerly looked forward to his next hit that night.

 

Friday, I arrived in Dayton, Ohio. This night, the idea of masturbating to pictures wasn’t enough. Lust always leaves a man or woman a little emptier and hungrier than they were before, and I had hollowed out my soul to the point where I craved a bigger fix.

 

After dinner, I called Michelle. She was sweet, caring and kind as usual; when she finished the conversation saying she loved me, a needle of conviction poked at my rock-hard heart… and I reached for the phone book.

 

I found an ad for a company that offered the “service” I was interested in, and made a phone call.  A woman was dispatched to my room; it was promised she would be there in a few minutes. I looked at my wedding ring; I couldn’t have sex with another woman and think about my wife, so I took it off.

 

$150.00 and an hour later, I had committed adultery with a woman who sold her body for money. Something was wrong though; I didn’t enjoy it; I wanted to get it over with almost as soon as it started. I felt like crying inside, like something had died.

 

I had been with prostitutes before I’d been married, and the look in their eyes reflected what I was doing to myself—and them. When a man or woman gives them self up to sexual sin, there is a death within that takes place that goes beyond the searing of conscience; something in the soul is crushed. When I looked into the vacant eyes of a woman who was a prostitute I couldn’t see the person; the life behind the eyes was missing. 

 

Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.

1 Corinthians 6:18

 

After she left I had a strong sense that I was filthy all over; inside and out. A quick shower didn’t relieve this feeling. “What have I done?” I cried out. I put my wedding ring back on and thought of Michelle back home, who was unaware what her Christian sex addict husband had just done. Her words at the end of our last phone conversation came back to me, and I broke down sobbing. How did it get this far? I never would have imagined that after just two years of marriage I, the one everyone thought was a “good Christian guy,” would have committed adultery.

 

The next morning I checked out of the hotel as soon as I could; I couldn’t stand being there. The memories of what I’d done the night before haunted me like a demonic nightmare that I hoped I would wake up from. There was no more hunger for lust, no thoughts of sexual fantasy; I’d had enough for the moment.

 

I met with a customer later that day, and then drove to Kitchener, Canada the next morning.

I knew I needed to tell Michelle that I’d broken our marriage covenant, but was terrified of her response. Hoping for some advice that I wouldn’t have to tell her I called a friend of in mine, John. John was in his fifties, and he and his wife had recovered from multiple affairs that he’d committed. When I asked John if he thought I should tell Michelle, his words sank all hope that I could avoid confessing my sin: “You have to tell her, or there will never be true intimacy in your marriage again; the person you committed adultery with will always be between the two of you.”

 

Then I asked him how long it took his marriage to heal: “Years,” he said. My mouth dropped. “Years ???” I said in disbelief. “Years ??? I thought surely you were going to say a few weeks or maybe even months, but, years??!!” 

 

“Yes, years” John repeated firmly. “The old marriage you had is dead and you have to build a new one. This is going to take a lot of time and effort on your part; you’ve got to kill her with kindness and win her all over again.”       

 

There are some moments in life that are never forgotten, the impact is so intense that the memory of what happened is burned into the mind. That phone call from Canada when I told my wife I’d betrayed her was one of them. As I unfolded the ugly account of my adultery, with porn, and then the prostitute, Michelle started crying. As I spoke her sobs increased in intensity and sorrow: “Oh Mike, Mike, Mike…” she said… it was as if I was listening while she discovered that I had stabbed her in the back with a 9” stiletto. 

 

The napkins from our wedding day had said “Today, I married my best friend.” For many women, the shock and horror from uncovering the impossible truth that their best friend has betrayed them is far more traumatic than what was done.

 

When I heard Michelle’s reaction, I realized that the damage I’d inflicted on our marriage was far more severe than I’d anticipated. Most men are blind to what they’re doing to their wives until it’s too late. Even months later, some don’t get it. It’s not uncommon to hear a man say “When is she gonna get over this” when only a few months have passed.

 

In the Richter Magnitude scale,1 earthquakes that measure an intensity from the one to 5.9 are defined as “very minor” to “moderate.” A moderate earthquake “can cause major damage to poorly constructed buildings over small regions… slight damage to well-designed buildings. Very minor to moderate earthquakes are reported to occur more than 60,000 times each year.

 

Earthquakes measuring 6.0-6.9 are labeled “Strong” and occur 120 times per year. At the top end of the scale is an earthquake measuring 9.0 or more on the Richter Scale, known as a “Rare Great” quake, an event that takes place once every 20 years. A Rare Great earthquake is estimated at having 32 gigatons of explosive force; there are no buildings near the epicenter of a 32 gigaton blast that will be left standing. Everything is obliterated and must be rebuilt from the ground up.

 

Every marriage has its “very minor” to “moderate” earthquakes which are easily withstood, but adultery is a 32 gigaton blast that decimates everything that had been built up over the years. The relationship is razed down to the foundation, wiping out all of the trust, love, and joy that had been carefully constructed.

 

Before I confessed my adultery to Michelle, she was passionate about me. She loved talking to me; we enjoyed a closeness that I’d never experienced with another person. We freely laughed together, and shared our hobbies, fears and dreams with each other.

 

All of that changed overnight; much of what our marriage had been was irrevocably lost. Now, my mere presence would cause her to start crying. Laughter vanished, and our marriage became a desperate struggle for survival. In place of trust, barriers were constructed to protect against further damage.

 

Progress was dreadfully slow; there were days when it felt like healing might be impossible; I couldn’t “fix it” because I was the source of Michelle’s pain. Even apologizing caused crying and explosions of anger.

 

Masturbation with Porn, by the way, is adultery; worshipping, loving and lusting after another woman by using self-sex to enhance the experience. I’ve heard the stories of men whose wives walked in on them as they were masturbating to pornography; the recovery process of their marriage took as long as if their wife had walked in on them while they were having sex with another woman. (The reality is that they were having sex with another woman emotionally and spiritually while having sex with themselves physically.)

 

If the physical act of adultery is a “Rare Great Earthquake,” porn with masturbation is a 7.0: a “Major earthquake” with the destructive force of 50 megatons. While a 50 megaton blast isn’t as severe as the 32 gigaton version, Major earthquakes occur 18 times a year. Since porn and masturbation is highly addictive and takes time to overcome, the continual trauma done to a marriage by successive 50 megaton blasts can be just as devastating over time as that caused by the Rare Great quake of physical adultery.

(More on how porn affects a marriage is available here.)

 

Betrayal: To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance; To be false or disloyal to, to lead astray; deceive

American Heritage Dictionary

 

Only a close friend has access to the deepest, most secret places of our heart, and it is only a close friend who can access this place—and destroy it.

 

For the Christian sex addict, there is another who they betray:

 

While He was still speaking, behold, a crowd came, and the one called Judas, one of the twelve, was preceding them; and he approached Jesus to kiss Him. But Jesus said to him, "Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"

Luke 22:47-48

 

Like Judas, I kissed Jesus on Sundays but then betrayed Him during the week. I would proclaim my love for Him during worship Sunday mornings, and then fall down before the evil goddess of lust from Monday through Saturday. Every act of masturbation with porn, every instance of adultery, I betrayed my relationship with the Lord. 

 

How does our adultery affect Him?

 

Have you ever noticed how God often describes the nation of Israel’s unfaithfulness to Him as adultery? At times, He sounds mad:

 

If you say in your heart, 'Why have these things happened to me?' Because of the magnitude of your iniquity your skirts have been removed and your heels have been exposed. Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard his spots? Then you also can do good who are accustomed to doing evil. Therefore I will scatter them like drifting straw to the desert wind. This is your lot, the portion measured to you from Me, declares the Lord, Because you have forgotten Me and trusted in falsehood. So I Myself have also stripped your skirts off over your face, that your shame may be seen. As for your adulteries and your lustful neighings, the lewdness of your prostitution on the hills in the field, I have seen your abominations. Woe to you, O Jerusalem! How long will you remain unclean?

Jeremiah 13:22-27

 

God’s response isn’t far off from how Michelle reacted to my betrayal; she was angry and bitter for months on end, and deeply hurt. Seeing God as angry is easy, but might we also hurt Him? 

 

Then those of you who escape will remember Me among the nations to which they will be carried captive, how I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which played the harlot after their idols; and they will loathe themselves in their own sight for the evils which they have committed, for all their abominations.

Ezekiel 6:9

 

Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling.

Matthew 23:37

 

The Lord exposes His heart to us and offers us His best, which included all the grace, love and life available through Jesus’ death on the cross. If He didn’t give a rip about us, He wouldn’t be so angry—and hurt—when we betray Him.

 

But He does love us, and He wants us back.

 

Fortunately, we serve a God who sets captives free and restores broken hearts and devastated marriages. The healing process begins the same way with Him as it does with our wives: by honest confession of our betrayal and adultery.

 

David wrote about the blessing that came from such an admission:

 

How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered! How blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit! When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. Selah. I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord"; and You forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah. Therefore, let everyone who is godly pray to You in a time when You may be found; surely in a flood of great waters they will not reach him.

Psalms 32:1-6

 

In spite of how I hurt Him, God’s grace and forgiveness were extended to me when I confessed my sin. Such forgiveness and love still amazes me today; there is no sexual sin that the blood of the cross doesn’t cover.

 

I have written about what healing in a marriage and a wife’s heart looks like in Healing a Broken Marriage and Healing for Wives, so I won’t repeat this material here.

 

I will share that one of the most precious moments of my life was when Michelle forgave me for my betrayal. For a man who committed what could have been an unpardonable sin, receiving such grace was priceless.

 

Earlier this year, 15 years after that day in 1991 when I called Michelle and confessed my adultery, I asked her if she had ever forgiven me. We’d been through marital counseling and worked through the pain and anger in years past, but I couldn’t remember if she had ever said the words “I forgive you.” In response she wrote the following letter to me, which she read aloud one night this past summer:

 

Mike,

When you called me and told me what you had done, I felt this heavy weight on me that I couldn't get off; my stomach felt like lead.  I felt like I had to vomit.

I think I kept repeating your name because if I did, somehow it wouldn't be true.  It was more of a feeling of bemoaning.  A question - why? Why? Why?

You were my first real boyfriend. My first real lover. The only man I had ever given my heart to.  The only man I allowed to see me vulnerable. To see my flaws. You were my knight. You told me you loved me. You accepted the things about me I didn't accept.

That phone call made me question all of it.

My low self-esteem became lower, almost non-existent.  I was trying to measure up to something unattainable I thought would make you happy.

You took something that was ours and gave it away to a dirty whore.  You just gave it away - it wasn't even something that you could have asked me if I cared.  It wasn't something meant to be shared or loaned.  It was ours and only ours.

You made it cheap. Expendable. No longer special.

You took my knight away. You made me grow up in a way I didn't want - or I wasn't ready to see the harsh reality of life. I had an innocence still, and that was destroyed.

I know today you are not that same person, nor am I, but you really hurt me, Mike. It was a blow I was unprepared for.

I don't remember if I ever said I forgive you, or if I was ever ready because I probably hadn't expressed what you had done to me. I do forgive you, Mike.

 

Love,

Michelle

 

John was right; recovery from adultery takes years.

The good news is that the Lord rebuilds and restores broken marriages.

 

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richter_scale

 

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11 Reasons Why Sunday Sermons Aren’t Enough… and What We Can Do About the Porn Epidemic.

 

Several years ago, Chuck Swindoll published a letter on his Insight for Living website, the following of which is an excerpt:

 

"...The most recent studies available suggest that 1 out of every 2 people-that's 50% of the people sitting in our pews, are looking at and/or could be addicted to Internet pornography. The struggle is going on among those who volunteer in your church and mine. Chances are good that some of our full-time staff members, even some who faithfully serve on our boards, may be losing this secret battle. And while I'm listing these possibilities, let's not overlook our young adults-married and single-who provide instruction among our junior and senior high youth. Truth be told, that statistic could be even higher.
...Stop and imagine the ugly but very real possibility of some of your own elders and deacons leaving your meetings and going home to surf porn. Think about youth leaders viewing it one minute, and leading a small group with your kids thirty minutes later. It's ruining marriages, destroying relationships, harming youth, and hurting the body of Christ. You hardly need to be reminded that fallen pastors and priests did not "suddenly" fall. More often than not, pornography played a role in their downward spiral.
My friend, it's time to do something about it. In fact, we need to start today. Making a difference requires action... our churches are in trouble. This is no time to simply wait and pray. Please join me in this battle for our young minds, our marriages, our leaders, and our churches."

 

In August of this year, ChristianNet published the results of a survey that said 50% of Christian men and 20% of Christian women are addicted to porn. (See Porn Statistics.)

 

This past month, Ted Haggard stepped down from his positions as senior pastor of New Life Church and president of the National Evangelical Association due to an ongoing battle with sexual sin.

 

One week before Haggard stepped down, a senior pastor from another church was showing a powerpoint presentation when a porn image popped up on the screen. He later resigned, confessing to a problem with porn. (Rocky Mountain News, November 18, 2006).

 

The church I attend held a men’s conference several weeks ago, where they asked the men that were struggling with sexual sin to stand and commit to purity. More than half the men in the room stood up.

 

In a November 7 Christian Today (UK) article, Brian Paulus of  Life Action is quoted as saying “Some 70 per cent have viewed pornography. We cannot expose ourselves to that level of sin and not allow it to ultimately affect our behavior. This is a huge issue." Paulus also said: There is no revival apart from repentance. That's not a popular message. It's not an easy message, but it's the only message that brings about an outpouring of the Spirit of God and it's that outpouring of the Spirit of God is our only hope as a nation today."

 

Paulus’ words are similar to the main article from last month’s BG newsletter, The Third Road.

 

Even when churches do address the topic of sexual sin, little more is done than preaching one sermon a year, if that. But Sunday Sermons aren’t enough, here are 11 reasons why:

 

1. Men and women who struggle with sexual sin are burdened with shame and Satan’s lies, both of which make it hard to reach out for help.

2. The fear of exposure and the resulting consequences are a powerful motivator to stay silent. (Witness David’s attempt to keep his adultery with Bathsheba a secret.)

3. It’s too easy to hide in church and not tell anyone the truth. 

4. Church Leadership isn’t transparent with their brokenness, or sexual sin isn’t discussed often, which perpetuates the “I’m a Christian Freak who can’t be vulnerable with others” myth.

5. Many churches aren’t a safe place to share our sins; neither are some Christians. A few years back I walked into a pastor of counseling of a church to make them aware of our local Strength in Numbers group. After I shared my story, he closed the door and told me of his struggle with porn. If this man’s church was safe, he should been able to find support from someone there.

6. A tunnel vision—like focus in the church that what happens on Sunday (i.e. teaching and preaching) is enough to deal with the porn epidemic. If this were true, sexual sin would be declining instead of growing among Christians.

7. Many are “older brother” Christians who don’t understand that all our broken and in need of grace; the fear of rebuke by an “older brother” or a simplistic response of “Just stop sinning” keeps many hidden in shame.

8. There is a profound spiritual battle surrounding every man and woman who struggles with sexual sin. Satan wants to keep as many Christians in bondage to sexual sin as possible, so he pours on all the lies, fear and doubt he can to manipulate the broken into isolation.

9. Those who struggle with sexual sin (and their spouses) are desperate for someone who can relate to them; teaching isn’t relating, and it doesn’t make it safe for them to take a risk and reach out for help. The answer is for someone to be transparent with their battle with porn or lust, which in turn will make it safe for those who struggle to take a risk and ask for help.

10. We live in a culture that tolerates sin, and have allowed the philosophy of tolerance to creep into the church.

11. Because God has commanded us not to tolerate sexual sin, and to take action:

And to the angel of the church in Thyatira write: The Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and His feet are like burnished bronze, says this: `I know your deeds, and your love and faith and service and perseverance, and that your deeds of late are greater than at first. `But I have this against you, that you tolerate the woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, and she teaches and leads My bond-servants astray so that they commit acts of immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols.

Revelations 2:18-20 

 

Here are 27 things we can do to effectively deal with the porn epidemic in the church:

 

1. Pray:

* That churches all over the world would confront the sexual sin that is so prevalent among God’s people. * For healing for individuals and marriages that are being shattered every day.

* That the Lord would remove the shroud of silence that keeps so many churches silent about this issue.

* For ministries like this one that are on the front lines and subject to spiritual attack.

2. Join our prayer team. Our prayer team of ladies prays together every Tuesday morning; please email me if you’d like to join them.

3. Tell your pastor or church/ministry leadership about the statistics showing that at least 50% of Christian men and 30% of women are struggling with porn or sex addiction, and encourage them to take action.

4. Start a Strength in Numbers group.

5. ***Have an individual or married couple share their struggles with porn/sex addiction before your local congregation to encourage others to get help.***

6. If you’re a pastor, talk openly and clearly about the porn epidemic among Christians, and show them how to deal with it. This article will provide you with an outline to use.

7. Start a support group for wives of sex addicts.

8. Ask the Lord to show you another person you might help, and be transparent with your struggles. Many broken men and women are dying to talk to someone who they can relate to.

9. If you’re from a country outside the U.S., consider partnering up with us and having the Blazing Grace website translated into your home country’s language. There are few resources in other countries for dealing with the porn epidemic, and it’s just as prevalent outside the U.S..  Please email me for more information.

10. Tell another person about this ministry.

11. Sponsor a Struggling with Porn Billboard in your city. This is a great way to increase awareness among the churches in your city of the porn epidemic, and encourage those who are hurting to get help.

12. If you don’t have the funds to support a porn billboard, ask your church if they will consider sponsoring it, or raise the funds with other Christians you know who want to see the sexually broken helped.

13. Forward a copy of How Many Porn Addicts are in Your Church? to your pastor and/or members of the elder board in your church.

14. Stop watching, downloading or purchasing any kind of pornography; this funds the porn industry and perpetuates the rape and abuse of thousands of lost souls in the sex industry, as well as the destruction of families. (Do whatever it takes to break free from lust; get plugged in with a support group, get professional help, etc.)

15. Join our team of women who email other wives for support.

16. Get the Blazing Grace Radio show sponsored in your city.

17. Add a link to the Blazing Grace site to your website, so that those who need help can find it.

18. Tell someone at your church about the need to start a Strength in Numbers group.

19. Forward the Blazing Grace newsletter to a friend, someone who needs it, or your pastor.

20. Turn off all TV channel service to your home so that no one in your family can be exposed to a sexually inappropriate program. When you call the cable company to cancel their service, tell them you’re doing so because they’re selling porn, a product that is destroying thousands of lives. Without getting legalistic about it, tell your Christian friends what you did so they can consider doing the same.

21. Support this ministry financially.

22. Start a support group for women who struggle with sexual addiction.

23. Post one of our newsletters or articles on your website.

24. Start a ministry to women in the sex industry, such as prostitutes, strippers and porn actresses.

25. Contact the religion writer of your local newspaper, and ask him to write about the porn epidemic in the church. The Blazing Grace website has plenty of ammunition that you can point him to.

26. Contact the talk show host of your local Christian radio station, and ask him to do a show about the porn epidemic in the church. 

27. Run a “Struggling with Porn” ad in your local newspaper.

 

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The Blazing Grace Radio Show

The Blazing Grace Radio show is Jayson Graves of Healing for the Soul, Rob McIntire of Freedom to Live Counseling, and Mike Genung teaming up to take on the topic of sexual addiction in the church. Jayson and Rob are Christian psychotherapist who specialize in treating men with sexual addiction issues.

 

Here’s our lineup for November:

November 4, 2006 – Interview with Rob Taylor of Metanoia Ministries, Part 1

November 11, 2006 – Interview with Rob Taylor of Metanoia Ministries, Part 2

November 18, 2006 – Interview with 2 couples who’ve been affected by sexual addiction, Part 1

November 25, 2006 – Interview with 2 couples who’ve been affected by sexual addiction, Part 2

 

The show is broadcast in Colorado Springs on KGFT 100.7FM, Saturdays at 11:00am. You can download mp3’s of the broadcasts without cost at the radio page, or listen to them in streaming audio at Oneplace.com.

 

We are also broadcasting the show on KKLA in Los Angeles Saturday nights through December 2; it may be cancelled after this depending on donations. It costs $400.00 per show to air the show on KKLA.
 

The broadcasts are available as a podcast through Itunes. If you have the Itunes software, the shows are listed under “Religion and Spirituality/Christianity.”


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New Prayer Requests:

 

The following are a few of the prayer requests received this past month. When you have a moment, I encourage you to pray for a few of those who are there. These are real people with real marriages and families on the line. 

 

My wife has left our four-year-old son and myself for another man. She has moved 250 miles away and she allows us virtually no contact or communication with her. Her partner in adultery lives here in my town, so they see each other every weekend all weekend long. This is time she could spend with her husband reconciling and, more importantly, it's time she could spend just being a mommy. But her lover gets her every weekend. Please simply pray that my wife end that wicked relationship and return home soon, that her mind and heart be filled with nice thoughts and sweet memories of our family, and that we both learn from the mistakes we have made. Thank you.
Mike
 

I am a 33 year old husband and father of 3. I have a serious addiction to pornography.  I have hit rock bottom, and I am certain that my latest actions are going to cost me marriage of almost 8 years.  I love my wife very much, and have never meant to hurt her, but I just can't control what is going on inside me.  I feel such shame and emptiness, I feel I have nowhere to turn.  I have contacted a counselor for help, but please pray for me and my family, I don't want to lose them. 

Tony

 

I have been struggling with my faith after committing adultery almost 2 months ago. Since then I have been struggling with lust and evil desires for this same person. I have been a Christian for more than a year now and I am very ashamed of my sins. I'm trying to be better and I have repented from committing any sexual acts. I am so upset for having forsaken God and disappointing him. Is it possible to be fully restored to the way I was before. I guess I have a hard time forgiving myself now-I want to be perfect as He wants me to be perfect. I fear his judgment and I worry that he doesn't love me as he did before. I was hoping to speak with someone who could give me counsel and comfort. I also want to totally get rid of my lustful thoughts and need to be held accountable to these temptations. I sincerely want to live for Christ and I'm trying to do better.
Stephanie

 

I am suffering depression, because I am being attacked at work by non-Christians, trying to interfere with my business, and hurt me financially. I know one of them is a Wiccan witch. I have been getting headaches, suffering depression and I feel attacked in every area of my life, I really need intercession... I’m born again and am a Christian.

Bonnie

My husband has a major porn addiction and I’m scared about it. I have dealt with this for 7 years and he has stopped having sex with me also. That has been going on for years also, but yet I catch him with porn. I am 27 years old and have 2 children with this man and I’m at the end of my rope. I feel I can’t be with him anymore. It makes me feel worthless and like I don’t attract him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need advice and help with this I’m scared. Please pray for us. I’m afraid it will only get worse.

Anonymous
 

I have been in this battle for 28 years trying to recover from sexual addiction. I have given up on winning. I think I have given up in other areas as well. I can't seem to get out of the rut of my life. I remain passive and don't follow through. I don't really try or take risks.

I don't have any desire to date the opposite sex yet one of my therapists said that I have a "need fear dilemma". What I need most - love, I fear. So therefore what I need  - LOVE, I totally deny or don't have those needs met. I know I have major trouble getting close and letting people in and that includes God.

There are parts of me that I don't express or get expressed through the addiction. I don't express any anger, frustration, love or talents. Everything seems like it is locked up. My dreams, desires and passions are gone. I feel numb and I don't know if I will ever truly recover.

I don't know what will help me change but a true desire and really coming to a place of letting go & surrender and allowing others to love me. Please pray for me.

Pat

 

I am addicted to sex and am now in a critical stage of mass failure. I lost 2 marriages, lost my job (not because of sex) and am losing my home and children. I have let my self fall between the cracks because of not changing my ways and haven't been able to pull out. Now God has let me fall because of my own doings and I’m losing everything.
Kevin

 

I was baptized when I was about 14. At that time I was a teenager and started masturbating a lot. Later in my 20s I got into watching porn movies. I started having impure thoughts while masturbating. I still have the urge to masturbate at times. I believe that's one reason I'm in a wheelchair—Gods punishing me for my sins. I hope and pray I'm still one of Gods children. I also had sex with a married woman. I also met a black woman at a hotel and had sex with her. I believe I cant sleep at night because I had very bad impure thoughts. I cant change the fact that I masturbated for some 30 years of my life. I cant change the fact that I had very bad impure thoughts 20 years ago and at times still have them. There are scriptures in the Bible that I have read that scare me like Hebrew 6:4-6. I even e-mailed the pastor at my church and asked him if a Christian can lose their salvation. I don't remember what the e-mail said but he said all sin big or small, is displeasing to God. He explained that if the grace was with you when you were saved that that grace is still available to me today. He said to repent and ask for Gods forgiveness. I do that every night. I also have been praying for God to please let me die because I can't commit suicide. Please continue praying for me. I don't wanna go to hell which is where I'm afraid I may go but its up to God. We can only be saved by the blood of Jesus and what he did on the cross by paying the price and dying for our sins. I believe that with all my heart.
Anonymous
 

I am another common garden variety porn addict who has been "saved" since 1984. My porn addiction started as a child my first porn magazine being the Sears and Roebuck catalogue. I have been a chronic masturbator since I was in the 4th grade and I am now 55. The loneliness, guilt and isolation have been a horror.  

I am now in contact with some Christian counselors to make a beginning to resolve this problem and make a real attempt to finally live in His light. I know it is going to be very, very hard but I am convicted and must begin the struggle.  

Today is the appointed time to get right with the Lord Jesus in so many things wrong in my heart. Today is the day to seek Him while he may yet be found. If you folks have a prayer list or know of some other ways to help me I would appreciate your adding me. In the meantime I have your website added to my favorites. I hope that there I can find real spiritual food, guidance, comfort and direction for the task set before me. I am beginning to believe that with God it is never too late, not as long as He is still God and not as long as I am still alive.

Thanks and God bless you and your ministry.

Russell

 

I've bought the books, I've read the material, I've prayed for and over my husband. He will not open up to anyone about his addiction and thinks he can just ignore the problem and it will go away. He thinks he can do it on his own. He says he's doing ok with it and will not read nor listen to anything anyone has to write or say about it. When we go out together he tries not to look at other women and fails.
I cannot make him read nor listen to the materials and my reading and listening has helped me to understand his addiction. BUT I still feel worthless and much less than desirable to him, because I know it is such a struggle for him to be with me in his mind.
 Tim told me that he wasn't sure our marriage would last because of my track record. I seem to keep marrying men with sexual addictions.  I remembered a few weeks ago that my dad has an addiction to pornography.  When I was 16 my mom found his porn stash and had me help her to staple all of the pictures up on their bedroom wall. She showed me Polaroid’s of him naked, things a daughter should never see of her father! Tim has, in recent weeks, turned more affectionate toward me.  The Lord had me give my journal to Tim and let him read it and he was deeply hurt when he read the part where I wrote that I was disgusted when he climbed upon me and we just had sex (which was constant) because I knew he was thinking of other women while he was using me as his masturbating tool... a live blow-up doll.  But I know the shock will wear off and he'll turn back to his fantasies if he doesn't get some help from a Godly man who's fought and won this war.  He said that he didn't want me to be disgusted at his touch.  He said that every relationship he's ever had has ended because of his addictions.  Most of them by the second year or sooner and that he didn't want this marriage to end.
We both know that Father put us together for a purpose, and I believe one of the reasons is so that we could minister to others who have this same war going on. 
Can he do this in Christ on his own?  I keep hearing and reading that he has to submit to someone else and have a partner to help him through. This is something he will not do right now.
Kay

 

I'm 21 years old and currently in the US marine corp. I've had a sickening addiction to porn and masturbation probably since I was 15. It's gotten so bad that I cant go one day without indulging in it. It's ruining my soul! I feel disgusted and horrible and I can't stop! I'm at the point where I just wanna give up! I feel so alone in this! If it's not too much trouble I hope someone can pray for my healing and comfort cause I'm at the end of my rope!
Christian


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Purpose and Support

 

Blazing Grace is a 501c3 non-profit corporation whose purpose is to minister to the sexually broken, and encourage and equip the church to effectively deal with the porn epidemic.

 

Your contributions are appreciated. I take no salary from Blazing Grace; all donations go for ministry purposes. 

 

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Final Words


For it is not mere words that nourish the soul, but God Himself, and unless and until the hearers find God in personal experience they are not the better for having heard the truth. The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God, that they may enter into Him, that they may delight in His Presence, may taste and know the inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their heart.

AW Tozer, from The Pursuit of God

 

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I enjoy reading your feedback.

May God’s grace abound to you.

Mike Genung

 

All material copyright 2006 Mike Genung