And Now We Are Four...

I'm sitting on my couch next to my sweet husband and we are watching our two beautiful boys eating their nighttime snack before bed sitting on the carpet in the living room. It has taken me a while to warm up to Z. Part of that has been trying to protect T. T is often very worried that Z is here to replace him. He needs constant reassurance that he isn't going anywhere and that we still love and want him. For much of T's life when another child arrives, it would be just a matter of time before T would be leaving. He is so scared that I will love Z more and that I will forget about him. On the other side of things, Z is worried that we won't like him and we'll decide not to take him in as part of our family. He is terrified that T will hate him and therefore, he won't be able to join us. Both boys have so much fear in their little lives. An eleven year old and a nine year old should not have to fear or to question their security or the love of their parents. Part of parenting children who've spent the majority of their lives in foster care is dealing with the scars that have been left by others. Helping to heal those scars is part of what bonds you to your kids. It is part of how they learn to trust you and believe you when you tell them that you love them. It is the hardest part of caring for them but also the most rewarding part. I pray that my two boys can grow to be strong, confident men whose wounds only serve to make them better servants of God. I see so much potential in each of them. Despite my desire to protect T, I'm starting to fall in love with Z as well. I'm beginning to see his pain and his fears and his greatness, trapped inside of the wounds that have been left in him. He is becoming my son before my eyes and I am so pleased. I don't want to be timid in loving him and I know that once I have some time with him the love will flow as freely as it does for T. I'm learning that when you adopt these children, love can take time. Learning who they are and how they need to be loved can take some time and that is okay. Today, I'm just content with watching T and Z interact and knowing that one day they will grow to be brothers and I will grow to be Z's mother. It seems that now, finally, in my heart we are becoming four.